Zen Mama Wannabe

Ending Dinner on a Sweet Note

Do your kids have dessert every night?  Is it a regular part of your mealtime – or only done as a special treat?  What is your feeling on this?  Is it better when it is thought of as “no big deal” instead of a hugely sought after treat that only occurs on special occasions?  And how is this shaping our children’s eating habits - now and in the future?

I grew up in a household that had dessert every night.  My mom is of the generation that regularly baked homemade pies, cakes, etc. and served them after supper each night.  That lessened to a great degree after I was born, but we still had ice cream or pudding or SOMETHING to cleanse our palate. 

My mom is all about moderation.  She would have a sliver of pie or a small (tiny by today’s standards) bowl of ice cream.  Just enough to end the meal on a sweet note.  She is also the one who had 1 (and just one) glass of wine each night with dinner.   Moderation.  Control.  Discipline.  It is probably why she is still in great physical shape even now that she is in her late eighties.  She learned the secret  -- it is not about depriving yourself, but it is not about gluttony either. (Talk about a great message to teach your kids!)

When my kids were little, I stayed far away from desserts.  Sure we’d go out for ice cream cones (sometimes) and the kids had treats, but not on a regular basis.  Then they got older and perhaps more aware of the wonderful world of goodies out there.  It got hotter and hotter where we used to live.  Popsicles after playing in the pool slowly became a regular thing.  Somehow the lid to Pandora's Box had been lifted.

By last summer we were up to having ice cream after dinner -- every night.  It was hot, it was summer (a lax time of year) and it became an ace up my sleeve to get them to at least take a BITE of a vegetable.  That’s right – I bribed them.  I did it knowing you are not supposed to, knowing the food experts say that is the WORSE thing you can do.  And you know what?  It worked.  My extremely picky eaters would actual eat their carrots or let a few bites of peas get past their sealed lips.  It was monumental – and what was the trade off?  I gave them a small scoop or two of ice cream (and not the high fat kind – just your basic grocery store variety). 

But now I wonder if I have created a monster.  You see, now there is an EXPECTATION of dessert.  No longer is it a “treat” – it is just what happens at the end of the meal, if you eat your dinner.  I know, I know – another No No.  But I wasn’t going to offer dessert without them eating a well-balanced dinner – my kids could LIVE on carbs and fruit and if they never took a bite of a vegetable or some protein (besides the cheese on pizza) that would be okay by them. 

So I wonder, do I stop buying ice cream, so it is not in the house, so I can’t offer it for dessert?  Do we change the rule (ooh – careful with rules around my son) and say dessert is only offered on the weekends?  The whole “just serve them fruit for dessert” doesn’t work for us because I serve them fruit with dinner – as part of their 5 a day.  So what do I do?

I suppose ice cream is not the WORST thing they could be having.  It’s not like I am offering them cookies or processed junk foods.  When I was a kid, ice cream was actually listed under a serving of Dairy on the 4 Food Groups chart.  I have also switched ice cream brands to Breyers by the way.  Only kind I’ll buy now.  After finally reading the ingredients labels (truly eye opening) I found it to be the healthiest brand by far (and still lower in fat than all those “premium” brands). 

But the bigger issue is what am I teaching them?  Am I ingraining the habit in them of always NEEDING dessert after a meal?  Is it better to have it be only for special occasions (birthdays, celebrations, etc)?  I would lose my bribing ace, which is truly the only way I am getting them to expand their limited repertoire.  But food experts say they will come around eventually.  Maybe I just need to have faith that their stinted taste buds will one day wake up. 

Finally, as child obesity rates climb skyrocket, I realize telling them they can have dessert (more food) once they eat the untouched portion on their plate might just make them overeat.  I tell them to listen to their stomachs and if they are full, they should stop eating – but they also know if they are full, they won’t get dessert (makes sense right? because they are already full) and I know there are times they shovel in those last few bites just to get the good stuff. 

As you can tell, this Zen Mama Wannabe goes around and around with this.  I have seen how well everything in moderation works for my mom.  On the other hand, maybe cutting out nightly desserts (and the expectation of such) is the way to go.  My goal is to raise healthy children and provide them with good eating habits.  Any suggestions?

Money for Chores?

Do your kids do certain jobs around the house (ok – yes, I am talking about the “c” word – CHORES) without getting paid for them?  Do you feel there are some things your children should just contribute (another “c” word) to the family or the household without having a carrot of some sort waved in front of them? 

I am feeling it is time to set up SOME sort of allowance system.  I previously wrote about financial expert Suze Orman’s opinion on allowances.  Her way is a bit “out of the box” but very interesting – and certainly makes some sense. 

A lot of parents I know tie allowances into chores – you do your chores, you get your allowance each week.  But most money experts say DON’T DO IT.  As Jean Chatzky, financial editor of the Today show and daily radio host on Oprah & Friends, said when asked if you should tie the allowance to good grades or doing chores:

"My feeling is no for two reasons. One, I believe it's the child's responsibility to do his or her best in school and to help around the house. School is their job just like work or running a household (or both) is yours. And two, if you make one contingent on the other, you're taking the chance that your child will choose to forego the cash in favor of not emptying the dishwasher or walking the dog. And you want them to have the money so that they'll learn how to manage it."

Whether you go along with Suze Orman’s method or as Jean Chatzky suggested, most agree there are things kids should do around the house (chores) just because.  And today, as a first step in this whole process, that is what I am thinking about.  What are good “jobs” or tasks for my kids to do that are not tied into any financial compensation?  Things like setting the table, picking up their dirty clothes or feeding the dog.  My kids do help out currently, but it is always when asked and not on a regular, consistent basis.  Time, I think, for that to change.

Do most parents have a list of chores their child must do?  Is it formally stated on a Chores Chart – or is that just for anal, wannabe organizers like me?  I can see where that would be helpful in showing your child what needs to be done, so that you don’t have to nag remind them constantly.  Or, does managing a chart just become one more thing for the parent to keep track of? (one of my greatest fears!)

For people like me with more than one child, do you switch some things off every other day?  You know, today is Johnny’s day to set the table, tomorrow is Mary’s, etc?  Or again, does that make it too complicated to keep track of?  I can see already the fights we could have…“But Mom, I did it yesterday – it’s her turn!”  Maybe a weekly system would be better.  One week one child sets the table and the other clears it; the next week it switches.  

It already sounds confusing and I haven't even started yet! But what I do know is having our kids be responsible for things is important.  This Zen Mama Wannabe truly believes that the more kids are able to take on as contributing members of a family, the more this will help them as adults become active contributors to our society at large.  Ah yes, teamwork.  Learning how to work hard and pitch in for the greater good.  These are qualities that must be taught.  So, I'm on board - chores it is.  I just need to set it up so that doing chores does not backfire and become a CHORE for me!

Kids and Money: How to Structure an Allowance

Do your kids get an allowance?  If so, how did you set it up and what – if anything – is it tied into?  Do you find it is working for you or are you still having to play ATM more often than not?  And do you feel like you are setting your children up for financial success in the future?

Undoubtedly, you have heard what this Zen Mama Wannabe has heard from the money experts in regards to giving children an allowance.  Most experts say it should NOT be tied into chores, that children should do jobs around the house because they are members of your family – not because you pay them to.  Because, as they point out, what happens when they decided it is not worth it to them?  That they would rather NOT feed the dog or take out the trash this week?  Oops – now you have got a bit of a problem.  Better for them to just get a set sum of money each week so that they can start learning how to manage and save. 

But last night on TV I heard a leading money expert give an alternative view for allowances that was rather though-provoking.  She said she went around and interviewed kids on why they received an allowance and the answers were like, “Oh, because I was born.” or “I get one because my brother Ben gets one.”  Talk about a sense of entitlement.    Should you get paid a certain amount each week simple because you exist here on Earth?  Really?  How can I sign up for that plan??!

Instead, financial guru Suze Orman said money needs to be earned.  She based her advice to one mother on the national minimum wage, which is $6.50 per hour.  That breaks down to around 10 cents per minute.  So if you were thinking of paying your child $20 per month (for example) that translates into about 4 hours of work around the house per month, or 1 hour a week, etc. 

She said parents and children should sit down together and come up with a list of jobs that kids will be paid for.  Those jobs should be whatever the parent decides would make their life easier.  Could it be a routine task like making their bed and keeping their room clean?  Sure – if that is something that helps YOU as the parent.  If you think that should be done anyway (money or no money) then don’t put it on the list.  Create the list on what works for you and your household, and what contributes in some way to making YOUR life a bit easier. 

Here is where the good money lessons come in.  If they are doing a fabulous job keeping their room clean, cleaning up the dog poop, and sweeping the front steps and walkway, then maybe you might want to consider giving them a raise.  If they are doing a lousy job, they might get a decrease in salary.  The lesson, Ms. Orman says, for them to understand is this:  “Good work equals good pay equals job promotion.  Bad work equals getting fired.”  After all, isn’t that how the real world works?  What a powerful lesson to teach kids before they even go out and get “real” jobs! 

Perhaps you have your basic list of chores you feel your kids need to do around the house as members of the household.  They do them because they are part of the family and everyone in a family needs to pitch in a bit.  But then there is the list of jobs they can do – at 10 cents a minute – to earn money to buy those extra things they want.  The things that you are not going to be buying them because as parents we understand what a horrible situation we are creating when we just BUY BUY BUY for our kids.  Truly, we must understand we are not doing them any favors.

Oh, you say, 10 cent a minute would never work – they wouldn’t make enough money to buy the things they want.  Well, you could pay them more per hour (it is your house, your family, your rules) but you might want to take a moment to consider this:  the minimum wage is $6.50 an hour.  As a teenager going off to get a job, what is your child going to do to earn MORE than the minimum wage??  The smoothie store, the coffee shop, the hip clothing boutique, swim lessons at the community pool…..those are the typical jobs for teenagers and the salaries for those positions are all about the same – minimum wage.  What would their incentive be to get a job if they get MORE money from you?  How are you preparing them for life after school, or even life during school (college is getting more and more expensive, and many families are finding it necessary for their kids to help supplement – at least with spending money).  Yet how or why would your kids do that if they have always gotten juicy handouts from you?

With these tough times in our nation’s economy, we have an opportunity to do things differently with this next generation of kids growing up.  We can use these happenings as a chance to talk about money, living within your means, and actually saving up for something and having the money in hand when you walk in the store to buy it.  Shocking concept for many.  Kids are walking around today with cell phones and iPods, wearing True Religion jeans and carrying designer handbags.  Parents think their kids need to have at least what the other kids have (and certainly more than what THEY had growing up).  But how would they know that their daughter’s best friend’s parents are maxed out on their credit cards, behind in their mortgage payments, and under huge financial strains because they have been living beyond their means?  They just know Lucy has the new iTouch and $200 tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert so that means their daughter needs to have them too.  And we wonder why our country is in such a financial mess?

In our household, we do not do allowances – yet.  We thought about it – because my son’s friends were doing it (gotta keep up with the Jones, right?) but we never put anything in place.  I needed it to be set-up in a way that made sense – $1 for every year of age reeks of that entitlement issues I am trying hard to avoid.  Another reason why I think Suze Orman’s way sounds intriguing. 

My husband remembers vividly at age 13 wanting a new stereo. He researched and analyzed (as only he can do) until he figured out exactly what he wanted and how much it would be ($300)!  His parents told him for every dollar he put in, they would match it.  He worked hard doing extra chores and cleaning neighborhood houses until he finally earned his share of the money.  His father thought he was crazy for spending that much money on a stereo – but it was a purchase that was well thought out and one he worked very hard for.  His parents could have just given him the stereo – but in listening to him tell the story, after all these years, I could hear the pride in his voice for how hard he worked.  It meant something to him - something just being given a gift could not.   Talk about valuable lessons learned!  And after all, isn’t that what we are after with our own kids today? 

Help with Sibling Bickering

Do your kids bicker with the intensity of a presidential debate?  Do you feel your head about to explode as their voices get louder and their tone gets rougher?  What do you do to combat the family battles played out frequently on a daily basis and keep the peace in your household?

This is one area this Zen Mama Wannabe feels at such a loss with.  The sounds of my dear sweet children bickering with each other back and forth can give me a pounding headache in three second flat.  I shudder at the unkind words that come out of their little mouths – the hostility and contempt that flares up in my sweet darlings from seemingly out of nowhere.  It grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard and I want to squash it down immediately (which means I jump in sometimes when I perhaps shouldn’t).  I am discovering the hard way that I have no patience for this type of behavior.  So what can I do?  What do YOU do?

One of the first things I try when I have a situation I need help with is to do some research.  I comb my bookcases and find I have 3 books in my personal library that offer help with this issue:

Siblings Without Rivalry
How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

This one and their other classic How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk are books every parent should have.  They offer good interpersonal skills – not just for parents dealing with kids, but really when interacting with anyone.  They provide you with a foundation to build on, and they give a lot of attention to ways of treating children while still being fair and still showing respect. Just as in their other books, they are big on acknowledging feelings, reflecting back a child’s point of view, and coming up with solutions together.  All great techniques, that can work – it just feels at times that the process takes so long and in the heat of battle, I rarely have the time or patience for all that.

“Mom, Jason’s Breathing On Me!”
 The Solution to Sibling Bickering
 by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. 

This is book I go to the most when needing a quick refresher on this topic.  First of all, I love the title (my daughter has actually said that in a complaint about her brother!) and Dr. Wolf spells out 3 simple (I like simple) “rules” for parents to follow: 

Rule 1: Don’t Take Sides
(Never intervene on one side or the other unless there is possible harm).
Rule 2: Act Fast – or Not at All
(The point at which to intervene is when you start to get irritated.)
Rule 3: Don’t Listen
(Do not listen – ever – except where there is possibility of harm).

This morning while piling in the car to drive to school, I wish I had remembered Rule 2.  My daughter needed to get her backpack out of the back seat.  This was not a real need – she doesn’t even use a backpack – but whatever, I humored her and let her crawl back and get it – even though we were running a tiny bit late and needed to hurry (note to self: next time we are in a hurry, I might want to re-think this approach).  She got the pack, put it next to her seat and started fastening her seat belt. Then BAM! - something happened that involved my son, because the next thing I know she is screaming his name and yelling at him.  We've gone from 0 to 60 in less than a few seconds -- and I haven't even left the driveway!

I turned around and saw a sheepish look on my son's face (I think he knocked the backpack off the seat onto the floor because it was too close to his personal space) but now she is CRYING loudly (you would have thought he chucked it out the window the way she was carrying on) NOT buckling in her car seat like I needed her to do so we could start driving, and now we are running even later. 

So what happens? – I snap!  Her crying is hurting my poor brain that hasn’t even had a full cup of coffee yet and these shenanigans are the last thing we I need right now.  Not sure how I could have intervened before it escalated in to all that, but it’s definitely something I need to keep in mind.  I do agree with the premise that if it’s going to escalate into something that will drive me crazy, I’m better off to nip it in the bud. 

  

Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes
 A family peace plan
 by Cynthia Whitham, MSW. 

This is called a “step-by-step guide to increasing cooperation and reducing conflict with children ages 2-12.”  The key message in this book praise the behaviors you like while ignoring those you don’t like.  It is an easy-to-read (short chapters) common sense guide – and a good one to have especially if you have young children.  But sometimes I feel we shoot beyond the “praise one child, ignore the other” rather quickly in our sibling battles. 

I did use this technique this morning (yes – as you can tell it was QUITE a morning) when my daughter asked for help opening her yogurt container at breakfast.  My son volunteered to help her (Wow!) but she said NO – because of course it had to be Mommy that did it.  He offered again (since I was middle of multi-tasking in the kitchen and couldn’t get over to her at that second) but she snapped NO! STAY AWAY (ah – don’t you just love the mornings).  So I praised my son for offering to help so nicely, and chose to ignore my daughter’s less than polite behavior.  Ultimately was that really effective?  I am not sure.  But I am willingly to try any method I can to keep the bickering to a minimum. 

What techniques do you use effectively?  Any magic trick up your sleeve?  I am going to keep trying a little of this and a combination of that in hopes that I become a little more Zen-like (and less reactive).  Who knows, maybe a bit of that elusive calmness will rub off on them?!

Too Much Yakking at Your House??

Do your kids keep the noise level in your house on LOUD most of the time?  Do the basic cues like, “Inside voice please” or “Lower your volume”, or even a loud “SHHH-H-H-H!” just seem not to work?  Do you ever find family members RAISING their voices to be heard over the other ones – and nobody seems aware at how LOUD their volume really is?  Welcome to my world – and if my world sounds at all like YOUR world, you may like to hear that I have a solution for you…meet the Yacker Tracker.

The Yacker Tracker is an adjustable, sound-activated noise monitor.  We have ours prominently displayed on the counter nearest the kitchen table.  It is quite the topic of conversation when friends come over.  But I must say, everyone who has seen ours in action says they need to run out and get one for their family. 

It gets turned on as we sit down for dinner (end of the day – our problem time).  If voices get too loud, it flashes yellow for a warning.  We get that a lot in our house.  If it goes all the way up to red, you get the optional siren sound along with the flashing lights (very effective).  So kids (and husbands – ahem) get a visual and audio reminder when the noise level gets too high.  And, it is coming from a source other than you!

After a lot of debate, we decided that every night we as a group stayed away from the red light, we would put a sum of money in a jar.   At the end of the week, we would collect the money from the jar and go treat ourselves somewhere (the kids came up with that part).  I was just trying to make it a POSITIVE reinforcement – reward for doing good (staying off the red light setting – meaning we were using lower voice volumes). 

Confession time:  I have yet to really put money in this mythical jar.  The kids think money is going in each night, but I haven’t actually set aside a jar, and I’m not sure how much money is the right amount ($1 per night?  25 cents per person?) My bad! - as they say.  I should have worked out the details first.  But I will tell you that only 1 night since we’ve been supposedly keeping track has the red light and siren gone off.  That is huge progress.  The noise is slowly lessening and what is even better is that this Zen Mama Wannabe is no longer the bad guy – the one repeatedly telling them to quiet down (and never seeing hearing any results).  It is rather brilliant, don’t you think?!  Can I get one for every room of the house??

Side note:  I did a bit of research online and found a range of prices for these devices up to $100.  Then I came across a website called Education 4 Kids where they were only $48.   That is where I ordered ours from – and I was completely happy with the transaction.   I am in no way affiliated with the company and am receiving nothing from them for endorsing this product.  I am just one happy customer pleased with the help the Yacker Tracker is providing my family (and anything that helps me keep my sanity is a good thing!)

Are Economic Woes a Family Matter?

Do your kids know about the economic woes of our country – and are they aware of how it affects you – or them – in the daily lives you lead?

What is happening in our economy right now is beyond belief.  The biggest bank failure in our nation’s history, warnings of an “economic catastrophe,” and the “worst economic downturn since the Great Depression” lead the daily headlines.  Everyone is predicting it will get worse before it gets better.  So how does all this affect you? 

This Zen Mama Wannabe wishes I could peek into people’s houses on the talked about Main Street and listen in on the kitchen table conversations.  Does this downturn just mean a dip in your 401K plan, but retirement is years away so no real worries, you will just ride it out?  Does that mean you probably won’t be taking that vacation to the Caribbean next year and will have to make due with local weekend excursions here and there?  Or does it mean you are upside-down on what you owe on your house, last month’s mortgage payment was late and you are not really sure you can afford new tires for the truck AND starting your son in braces and are trying to decide which takes precedence?

What do your kids know about these current events?  Obviously it depends on their ages, but are they at all aware of what is happening in the country – and maybe in your home?  Is it wise to share this information with them?  Or would it cause them to worry about things they ultimately have no control over?  But then what do you say to them when they plead at you for the latest Disco Dance Revolution game or private guitar lessons?   

A friend of mine chose to remain silent when she and her husband were short on their bills last month and needed to take out more debt on their credit card just to cover the basics.  This meant not making the requested “donation” to her 11-year old daughter’s school during the main fundraising drive.  The donor names were all published and some other child said something to her daughter about not being on it.  Her daughter was embarrassed and became mad at her mom, who after this whole thing blew up into a big mess, went and made the donation - on her nearly maxed-out credit card.

I feel my friend’s pain, and asked her if she could have done it over, what would she have done?  She said she should have just made the donation when asked (on the overused credit card) and spared her daughter the humiliation.  What would you have done?  This Zen Mama Wannabe has mixed feelings, but I just cannot help but wonder if there were some teachable moments there that got passed-by?  Is 11 years old too young to understand a family’s financial struggles?  Should children be privy to any of that information – at any age? 

“We’re not rich,” my son told me.  Oh really?  Why do you say that?  “Because we don’t have a Wii.  A Wii costs like $300 – if you have that, you are rich!”  Hmmm. 

I am perfectly okay with him thinking that, except I get a little concerned with what gets said at school.  It amazes and terrifies me what get talks about among kids and I know I hear only the very smallest amount. 

“I don’t like George Bush,” my son announced at the end of the last school year.  “He is against the environment.”  Why do you think that, Buddy? “Oh, he cuts down lots of trees.  That is bad for the environment.” I see – and who told you that? He names the child that did, and it all becomes clear.  A child hears something from his parents (or possibly another friend or from the TV, etc.), takes one or two lines of it - sometimes completely out of context - and then passes it around.  It is like that game of Telephone, where you say something to one person, and then they pass it on to the next, and by the time you end up, you usually never have what you started with.  Only here no one thinks they are playing a game.  These are "facts" they are sharing, and when it comes to personal info, it can be a little disconcerting.   

I think back to my own childhood.  My mom tells the story of right around the time I was born, my self-employed father lost his 2 biggest accounts.  Talk about tough times – and with a new baby to boot.  But because my parents knew how to stretch a dollar (and a casserole dinner) I never perceived lack.  I felt I was lucky to have my mom and my grandma sew dresses for me – and my dolls and Barbies as well. I grew up thinking a dinner at McDonalds was a big treat, for we hardly ever went out to eat.  My play-pretend kitchen was made out of orange crates, with some wood fastened on for the oven door.  I loved it.  I was devastated when I didn’t get the Barbie Townhouse I wanted so badly one Christmas.  But the thought that perhaps my parents couldn’t afford it – or that they thought it was an unnecessary, overpriced item I didn’t “need”  - never crossed my mind. 

Of course times are a bit different now.  Things are much more commercialized; people (and therefore kids) seem much more materialistic.  It is a fast-paced, high-tech world and it comes at a cost.  But what is the message we are sending our children?  Should they know that times are tough financially – or should they be insulated from it all?  Are there some teaching moments for them in this mess, or are the lessons really just ours to learn? 

Peer Pressure Strikes Again

Do your kids get to see the latest movies – the ones that all their peers are seeing – or do you have limits or restrictions that you place on them?

Sheri from Unexpected Bliss was talking about Family Movie Night at her house.  This was something I did each week with my kids over the summer and it was one of the many highlights we shared together.  But then, the movies I showed probably were not the movies being shown in other kids’ houses – and I can’t help but wonder about this.  Am I turning my kids into social outcasts – or really is it just a sad state of affairs that young kids today are growing up seeing violence and mature content and not blinking an eye?

When the latest installment of the Indiana Jones series came out last spring, most all the little boys my son’s age trotted off to the theaters to see it.  6 and 7 year old boys watching a movie rated PG-13 (for adventure violence and scary images).  My son wasn’t one of them.  He has never seen ANY of the Indiana Jones movies, and when he does, we will start with the first one and go from there.  (Both he and I are like that – we like order – start with one, move on to two, etc).  But I doubt we will be doing this for quite a while; all the Indiana Jones movies are recommended for kids 11+ (that is right – middle school age).  So I’m not in any hurry. 

Except that the other boys at his school apparently are.  First graders (at the time) watching Indiana Jones.  Some first graders going to see The Dark Knight, again rated PG-13 and recommended for kids 14+.  This is what the kids at school are talking about. And pretend-playing at recess.  Even if they aren’t playing it, these film images of “intense sequences of violence and some menace” are now stuck in their heads.  You cannot help but ask that if these kids are seeing these types of movies NOW, what in the world are they watching when they get into junior high? 

I know MANY 3 and 4 year olds that watched the Star Wars movies.  Apparently I was one of the very few that thought that preschoolers seeing fighter ships blow up and Darth Vader strangling people was not really appropriate.  By the time Kindergarten rolled around, ALL the other little boys were playing Star Wars in the school yard, and collecting all the Star Wars action toys at home.  Thomas the Train was long forgotten (except at our house).  So my son climbed on the bandwagon.  He learned all the characters, played along with the various games, but had never seen the movie(s). 

Finally, in 1st grade my husband thought it was time for him to watch it.  Peer pressure strikes again.  I was against it – too scary, I said.  I was outvoted and one Saturday afternoon while I was out they sat down to watch it together.  My son didn’t get very far.  “It was Darth Vader, wasn’t it?  I just knew that scary breathing would frighten him,” I said in that know-it-all voice.  Nope – it was the brief scene, in the beginning, where Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle are killed (thus setting it up for our hero to go off on his quest).  The death of Luke’s caregivers (his “parents” in a sense) was too much for our guy.  It was months before he would even try watching it again, but finally he made it through – and ultimately really enjoyed it.  But what a lot of pressure work to watch a movie, just because everyone at school had seen it and we need to fit in. 

Sadly, the after-mass of this has left me with a preschooler (my daughter – so eager to keep up with her big brother) who has now seen the first 3 Star Wars movies (or really the last 3 – depending on how you do the counting – Agh – the whole thing is crazy!).  Oh at first she hated the Darth Vader parts and would hide her head in our shoulders, but now she is desensitized to it (and can even watch the parts with the grotesque Jabba the Hut).  I just think that is so wrong.  In the world according to me, this Zen Mama Wannabe says no 4 year old should be watching Star Wars!  I hang my head in shame.  Oh – you are so 1950’s says my husband.  His comment may irritate me, but he is right.

This summer I showed them one of my favorites as a child – the Academy Award winning movie Mary Poppins.  My husband (who, to put it politely, is not a fan of musicals) was out of town and missed seeing the fun the kids and I had watching this classic.  The kids loved the songs and the story (which underlying message is about kindness to all, rich or poor).  They are even interested in reading the book now and seeing how it compares to Walt Disney’s version.  This is the movie that seems to have stuck with them – a movie they ask to watch again and again – a movie they now know most of the songs to (and nothing is cuter than hearing my daughter struggle to say “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious").

But what do you think would happen if my son mentioned watching Mary Poppins at school??  We definitely do not live in a 1950’s world.  It is all about Guitar Hero, dude.  So, Mary Poppins we keep under wraps.  But I have put my foot down about the remaining Star Wars movies (those my daughter will NOT be seeing) and will in general strive to be more diligent in managing what they see and what they don’t. 

When it comes right down to it, no one knows your kids better than you.  What might be fine for one family, may not be for another.  What one parent calls entertainment, another might feel goes against their family values.  I know I am definitely in the minority in terms of what I feel is appropriate for children to see.  But just as I teach my kids not to be swayed by what “everyone” else is doing, I too need to stand my ground. I am not trying to raise average children – so why should I feel tempted to do what the average parent does?  It may not be the popular view, but I need to keep the bigger picture in mind.

As a side note:
A friend of mine told me about this great website called CommonSenseMedia.org which I have since used quite a bit.  You type in the name of the movie (or book or video game, etc) you want to search and it tells you not the only the rating but breaks it down in various categories (sexual content, violence, language, and message – the latter tying into social behavior, commercialism and drug/alcohol/tobacco), so you can get a better understanding if it is right for your family or not. 

What I like about the site is that it does not contain judgments about what you may be choosing to watch; it just helps you become better informed so you can make a more educated decision for your family.  Again, no one knows your kids like you do!

Limits on Screen Time for Kids

Do your kids have limits on their screen time?  If so, why – and how did those limits come about??

Only the few - perhaps the crazy - would dare to argue that screen time is beneficial to kids.  The whole hand-eye coordination thing doesn’t hold water – because if that is really your concern, get outside with a ball and bat or practice bouncing a balloon in the air, counting how many times you can bop it without it touching the ground.  (The latter is a cheap, easy way to have fun indoors or out, and works for all ages, even the little ones – and yes, it really helps with eye tracking). 

The other possible argument for the whole screen time craze is fitting in with the other kids at school.  If everyone is playing the new Wii Mario Super Sluggers, do you become an outsider if you haven’t and have no idea what everyone is talking about?  Are you excluded from conversations at recess because you are not up on all the Xbox games?  Are you not invited to playdates and birthday parties because you don’t know how to handle a Sony PSP?  (If the answer to any of those questions is YES, then there is something much more serious going on in society today.  But I will leave that for another time). 

Screen time is an activity kids enjoy – and most parents have no problem letting their children play some video games, use the computer, or watch a video or TV show(s).  Just like parents let their kids eat ice cream, have a few cookies, or a bag of chips.  However, a wise ol’ woman (my mother!) taught me a very important lesson:  it is all about moderation.  Just as you would never let your child eat a gallon of Haagen-Dazs every day, limits are needed for screen time as well. 

Some children use moderation themselves.  They use a PSP for 20 minutes and are done; intrinsically they have had enough and are ready to move on to something else.  Sadly though, they are the minority.  What is seen time and time again are children who become “hooked” on these video games and other screen time activities, just like drug addicts become hooked on their drugs.

Last year Oprah’s TV show chronicled a family putting away all their screen time equipment for one week.  The little boy went into hysterics.  His mother watched in horror and said she realized it was like watching a junkie needing a fix.  He was 5.  He played video games for 3 to 5 hours per day.

We all read the articles about the connection between screen time and rising obesity rates.  We have probably heard the statistics that kids who spend 10 hours or more a week in front of a screen do not do as well in school.  I am sure we have seen references to increases in aggressive behavior and/or depression.  Even the AMA (American Medical Association) last year came close to calling excessive video game playing a “formal psychiatric addiction.”  Gee – sounds exactly like what I want for my children, eh? 

So where is the balance?  How do you achieve moderation?  Especially when we adults are spending so much of OUR time checking our emails, surfing the net, watching TV, etc.  Are we leading by (bad) example?

I know some parents who have tried to set limits for their kids, saying no video games during the week.  But I wonder, does this make them want it even MORE when the weekend rolls around?

I ask because I struggle with this myself.  I know limits are required for my children, but this Zen Mama Wannabe is not clear on what those limits should be. 

Recently, I was overjoyed to notice my son going out to the backyard EVERY day to use his baseball pitch back.  Sometimes even more than once a day!  Being outside, getting exercise and fresh air – what could be better?!  The daily requests to use his baseball video game practically vanished; I confess I was thrilled.  Then 2 days ago I discovered what this is really about; a part broke off his video game a while ago so it hasn’t been working properly.  Dad (the hero) fixed it last night.  I wonder if the pitch back will go back to being just a huge eyesore item gathering dirt and dust?

Finally, one interesting tidbit I ran across: Bill Gates limits his 10-year old daughter’s screen time.  45 minutes a day, plus use of the computer for homework. Hmm – one of the smartest minds in America, a man who knows computers inside and out, says less than one hour a day for his kids.  Something to think about – what do you say?

Calling Grown-Ups by Their Last Names

(This is the first – of hopefully many – in my “Do Your Kids…?”  -  a series of questions and topics that I’m eager to get more insight and guidance on.  Maybe you’re wondering some of these things too).

Do your kids call grown-ups by their last names??  And what do you do when seemingly EVERYONE around you does not??

From what I can tell, the ball is set into motion around 2 years of age, when your toddler first participates in various Mommy & Me classes where the teachers go by Miss Susie or Miss Ann.  Playgroups are more for the moms than the kids (and a much needed time too, I might add); you call your friends by their first names so that is what your child hears.  He or she then starts to put it all together, “That nice blond haired lady who always has goldfish to offer me...my buddy Zackary’s mom…my mom calls her Leigh.” and so the association goes. 

At this point, a friend of mine tried to do the ol’, “Ask Mrs. Woodman if you may have some more goldfish, dear,” and it went over like a lead balloon.  It felt too formal for this informal gathering of new moms and young kids, and it got complicated real fast when some of the moms had last names their kids couldn’t pronounce (heck, let’s be honest – I wasn’t sure how to say a few of them either)! 

The defining moment seems to be in Kindergarten, when all teachers go by Mrs. Whatever; it is what your school calls the parent volunteers and helpers that seem to set you off on one path or another.  At my son’s Kindergarten in Southern CA, I was called Mrs.  Ironically it was not even by my choice; I was so used to it the OTHER way, that Mrs. sounded funny to my ears.  But I’m a go with the flow Zen Mama Wannabe, so Mrs. I was.