Tis the Season….for those good ol’ control issues to flair up again. Holiday festivities equal events where family gathers together, which means a variety of personal agendas and various power struggles. Heck, you don’t even need the holidays to witness this; if you look carefully, these types of interactions are all around us. How can we stay sane in the midst of all this hankering for control? My oldest and dearest friend has talked me off the ledge numerous times with an interesting technique. See if it might work for you.
My best friend sums it up like this, “You are either the Planner or the Participant.” As the Planner, you take charge, figure it out, make the plans, have the control. As the Participant, you go along; you are agreeable to what the Planner has worked out. No fighting for the reins – you sit down, shut up and let the Planner steer the wagon.
As women it is a hard concept to grasp at first. Throughout history, we have fought so hard and so long to have our opinions matter, to be the ones for once in control. Control is not something we relinquish so easily. But we are also finally realizing that we just can’t do it ALL, and it might behoove us to be smart about what we choose to claim as ours (our project, our decision, our agenda, our itinerary, etc) and what we are willing to let go.
My best friend learned the concept the hard way. Her husband likes to plan their annual vacation. He likes to do the research, figure out the best option, and weigh what is doable and affordable. He likes to be the Planner in this area. During the first few years of their marriage, my friend tried to be the one planning the trips too. After all, she had opinions and ideas and they were equals in this new partnership, right? Not quite. Equals in the marriage, yes. Equals in having their opinions count and matter, yes. But as she found out the hard way, too many Planners on a project give you the age-old problem: Too many Chiefs, not enough Indians.
After countless squabbles and one near-ruined vacation, she told me she finally got wise. The next year, she backed off. She let him do the planning. And the more she stepped back and didn’t fight for control, guess what happened? The more he kept running things by her making sure his ideas were agreeable to her. He actually became more considerate once he wasn’t having to elbow his way in to the table. She later confessed to me that he really does have great ideas when planning out a trip. He thinks of things she never would have, and comes up with a plan that lets them explore new areas, learn a bit about the history and culture of a place (things that are important to him), and still have plenty of time to relax, unwind and be able to sip on a cocktail or two (priorities of most over-worked women I know).
As women we are natural Planners. By necessity, we plan out our days, we plan out the family’s schedule, we plan out the meals….the list goes on and on. Some of us have husbands who like to put their finger in one of our pies from time to time (like my friend’s dear husband - Mr. Vacation Planner). Other men prefer to leave all the family and home “details” to us. (“If only my husband would plan something – a trip – anything!” another friend said. “I tell him which week to take off and how many golf clubs he is allowed to bring and that is the extent of his involvement.”) But as long as her husband is happy being the Participant, and she is okay being the Planner (which she happens to be) it works out fairly well.
This concept can also be put to good use when dealing with extended family dynamics. Anyone have a family matriarch with a never-ending agenda? Ever feel like you are constantly butting heads with what THEY want to do versus what YOU want to do? Figure out ahead of time if you are going to be the Planner or the Participant when you see them (hint: when you go to THEIR home turf, trying to be anything but the willing Participant is crazy and fool-headed and will only cause you the potential for unlimited grief.) That doesn’t mean you have to be a bump on a log, or have no opinion at all (something most women shudder at the mere thought of). But as you know, getting into a power struggle over it almost never ends in a productive way. Ever heard about the wise one who took “the path of least resistance?”
Figuring out if you are the Planner or the Participant works great when dealing with your peers too. I had to excuse myself from one school committee because of the in-fighting among the various mothers involved. The committee head (i.e. The Planner) was weak – or perhaps just too kind in wanting to let everyone be heard. Control issues multiplied and women that I am sure are very nice most of the time let their own agendas of self-importance get in the way of the committee’s greater good. There is nothing more unattractive than women fighting so desperately for control -- especially over something of little importance. Who has time for that?
Lastly, it works with your children too – as long as it is a situation you know ahead of time you are okay with having them plan. I’m letting my kids plan out Halloween night (within certain parameters, naturally, or else we’d be out Trick or Treating all night!). My husband and I are fine being the Participants that night and going along with the kids’ agenda. The kids are thrilled to be the ones “in charge.” And you know what? This Zen Mama Wannabe is convinced it will probably be more fun for all of us that way!
It is soooo hard to give up control Zenn Mamma! I think it is especially hard for me right now as I am the "planner" in most aspects of my family's daily lives. But to let go of the control, like you are doing for Halloween, can be an amazing experience. Not only is some of the pressure taken off of us to make whatever experience perfect for everyone, it allows us to sit back and enjoy the ride. I have been shocked this past year at what my two girls have chosen to participate in since I have tried to sit back let them think and choose for themselves. And being the planner in their own lives (to some extent) has been an eye opening experience for all three of us. I will be looking forward to hearing how your Halloween as a "participant" went
Posted by: callieandbatido | October 28, 2008 at 05:44 PM