Giving Up on Giving?

On Day 10 of our 29-Day Giving Challenge, we were faced with a dilemma.  It was nearly time for the kids to go to bed and nothing had been recorded as a Give for that day.  What do we do?  Do we GIVE each other hugs and call it a day?  Write it down on our daily calendar as if we had truly accomplished something?  Or, do we admit we blew it and start all over again?  Does it really matter – in the big scope of things?  Do I dare damper my children’s enthusiasm for this wonderful project by making us begin again – or do we keep going and just try harder on the future days?  What would you do??

Give 29 things away in 29 days – it is simple concept.  It almost makes you want to go through your house, find 29 things you no longer use, give them away to charity and call it a day.  But we all know that is not the point.

   

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

-    Kahlil Gibran

That was the message I was trying to send to my kids.  That it didn’t HAVE to be about giving away toys and books and possessions.  They embraced that part of it (with a huge sigh of relief, I might add).  But is giving mom a hug or help carrying in the groceries really a gift – or is it something that would have been done anyway?  Isn’t the purpose of this to go above and beyond? 

I paused to look over my own giving calendar.  I had one day where I really went out of my way – where I did something good, something I felt proud of, something that wasn’t part of my normal routine, an opportunity I think many people would have missed.  However, for the most part, my “gifts” were things I give normally.  Great that I am doing them, but that is just it:  I AM doing them.  I haven’t added more kindness or good will into the world – so how am I really succeeding at this challenge?? 

My son was so excited about this 29-Day Giving Challenge that he couldn’t wait to tell his teacher about it.  Maybe, he told her with such enthusiasm, their WHOLE class could do it.  Maybe they could tell the principal about it and the WHOLE school could do it.  That is the right idea – that’s the right energy behind it that has the potential to really make changes in the world.   And yet, only 10 days into it we failed. 

But maybe we were failing along the way – by not doing more to really GIVE.  Or maybe it was just this Zen Mama Wannabe that failed.  My kids are young – this is not something they can do on their own (certainly not my 4-year old).  They need frequent reminders and pep talks and cheerleading along the way.  I had no idea how much energy and thought this giving challenge would take!  Somehow, in less than 2 weeks, it became one more thing added to my TO DO list.  In-between their school, soccer, homework, household chores, nightly reading, etc. it became just one more thing to juggle, one more thing to check off the list.

I am disappointed and embarrassed – but mostly with myself.  The one that should have done better was me.  This isn’t just a 29-Day Giving Challenge – this is an opportunity to teach my children one of the most valuable concepts in life.  Today’s world has become so much about “me me me” and “What do I get?”  The only way we are going to see change is if we step back and start focusing on GIVING, not getting.  If we can do this, we can be a part of the solution, part of the change.  How powerful is that?!  After 29 days in a row of giving, perhaps it will start to be a natural part of our consciousness – a habit of sorts. 

A well-intentioned friend questioned me, “You couldn’t have just keep it going?  So they had an off day of giving – is that really the end of the world?”  But I think that it is.  It sends the message that it is okay to not do your best.  Oh let’s just make something up; let’s just throw something in and it will count.  No!  We do it right or it does not get to count.  We cannot take credit for giving when it wasn’t a true give – when it didn’t really come from our hearts and there was no thought put into it at all.  I cannot teach my children to be less than their potential.  And yet, I sit here feeling like the biggest loser mom there ever was. 

There are those who give little

of the much which they have-

and they give it
for recognition and their hidden desire

makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.

These are the believers in life and the bounty of life,

and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy,

and their joy is their reward.

More from "The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran

I have printed out new blank calendars and we will start (again) today.  My children will learn that when you fall of the horse, you get right back on.  There is good that needs to be done.  There are important lessons that need to be learned.  Especially for me – I had NO idea giving (going above and beyond – not just the regular stuff) was so tough!  It is obviously time to push the walls of my comfort zone and reach a bit.  Let’s just hope we I do a little better this time around!

Comments

[Tonggu Momma]

What a wonderful lesson you are teaching your children. You didn't give up - you started over. There is a huge difference there, I think.

[Zen Mama Wannabe]

Thanks Tonggu Momma. I like how you phrased it - not giving up, just starting over. I guess I feel like this should have been easier - it is as though I let my kids down somehow. Hopefully this time will be the charm!

[callieandbatido]

I would be interesed to know what was on yours and the kids giving calendars the first 10 days, which by the way, I find impressive. I think you are teaching your children a very important and valuable lesson. And if was easy, it wouldn't be a challenge! Well done ZMW!

[Sheri]

You are doing a wonderful thing and teaching a great lesson. Even attempting to do this is a wonderful thing, so don't feel like a loser at all. Day to day life is tough enough, it's easy for anything "extra" to get lost in the shuffle. I have to say, I firmly believe that as a mom you are giving of yourself every minute of every single day,and that should never be overlooked or dismissed. You are a great mom, give yourself alot of credit just for trying to do your best.

[Zen Mama Wannabe]

Sheri - you're right - moms do give all the time, every day. Sometimes even just that (the basic stuff) exhausts me and it's hard to even contemplate doing one more thing for anyone else. I guess that is where I need to stretch a bit, flex my giving muscles.

CallieandBatido - our lists of gives were none too impressive. My daughter gave help one day to a little girl who fell down and was crying at preschool. My son did a lot of going to see Grandma at the retirement home and giving big smiles and loud hellos to all the old people he walked by (talk about lighting up someone's face - he really did give a gift to most of them). I felt it was so worthwhile that I let him count that one each of days he went over there -- but then that was like his "get out of jail free card" -- that is what he wanted to do for his give most of the days. It IS a great gift - but where is the stretch?

As for me, my best gives were when I saw someone in need of help and I actually stopped and help them. You know, we see something out of the corner of our eye, but we're busy so we keep going and don't take the time to stop and help. Twice I could have so easily kept going, nobody would have thought twice, after all no one was calling out for help -- but I didn't - I made myself stop and help out. And both times I felt SO good afterward! Those opportunities don't come around every day - but they ARE out there more often than we think.

Hopefully we'll come up with some good ones this time around!

[LarkLady]

The "stretch" is going 10 days without missing... and then, when you DO miss, it's starting again the next day!

I'm glad you thought you'd make it through the 29 days the first try... but I'm not sure it really would have been a stretch, a life-changing new habit, if you could have made it a part of your daily lives quite that easily.

Do you read Crankshaft in the funnies? Yesterday's had a really nice quote that I put on my desk this morning, before I saw your blog today. "The possibility of failure is always there, but your faith has to be greater than your fear."

Since I'm in a quoting mood, here's another one: "One's goal should exceed one's grasp, or what's a heaven for?" If you only set goals you know you can make -- at all, much less on the first try -- then you probably aren't setting your goals high enough. Are you trying to teach your children -- and yourself -- that it's better to play safe than to risk failure? How we deal with failure is one of life's most important lessons, and consistently setting goals that don't risk failure probably isn't the better example for your kids.

And indeed, you DID set a wonderful example: when the situation got beyond you and you missed the goal, you squared your shoulders and said, Okay -- tomorrow we start again! You know now that the goal is harder than you thought when you first set out -- what have you learned from that? Obviously, one lesson you and your family came away with after your first attempt at the 29 Day Mountain was that when you go fall off the mountain, you get yourself back to the start of the path and start again.

Not bad, ZMW!

[Danna]

Think you did it, the giving, I mean, by teaching the kids about getting up & starting again. Owning the reality. That’s a real gift!

Got to tell you, you’re hard on yourself, most moms are. Could each of you be responsible for a different day of giving? So, if your little girl decides that it’s her day, she gives what ever she feels she can. That way you’re only responsible for every 3rd day?? You’re just the reminder in the morning, that it’s their day to decide? Just a thought.

[LarkLady]

I like that idea, Danna -- a family responsibilty for the 29 days, instead of each individual being responsible for something every day. Especially on the first 29 days. You could do some creative teaming, too -- two or more family members could do something together that might be bigger or better or just more fun than one individual could.

When it no longer feels like a stretch to complete 29 days of giving as a family responsibility, then you could try it for 29 days as individuals.

Giving -- whether as random acts of kindness or as planned acts of charity or goodwill -- as a way of life is a powerful thing. So anything that helps get you to the point where giving is second nature seems to me to be a great idea!