What do you do when your kids have a problem they are dealing with? How do you respond? Are you quick to offer advice -- eager to offer up the list of things they should or shouldn’t do? Are you able to sum up what went wrong and what they need to do the next time around – and can spout it off to them even while making up the grocery list? Do you hear what your kids say when they talk to you about everyday things going on in their lives, or are you too busy thinking about what to pack for lunch, why the VISA bill is so high, or where in the world you put the permission slip that was due yesterday? Truth be told, are we really listening to what our kids have to say?
Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus talks about how females like to talk about issues as a way of exploring and working through their feelings while men in their need to solve the problem tend to rapid-fire solutions. That is quite true for me when talking with my husband; however, when I’m interacting with my kids, I find myself taking on the male roll. Is it just a natural part of being a parent to want to help kids solve the challenges they are facing? Perhaps, but it is the way in which we do it that is so important.
Do kids really want help with the problem at hand? Of course. But what is it they REALLY want? Kids want to be heard. They want to feel like someone (well, not just someone, one of the most important people in their life) understands them and is there for them; they want to feel like they are not alone. (Yes – don’t we all?!)
In my view, each time a child shares something with us (a part of their day, an interaction with some friends, a problem, a struggle, a success) they are handing us an invisible gift. What we do with it is up to us. Do we pay attention to it? Are we half-listening as we make dinner or work on the computer? Do we take the time to see what is hiding underneath? Often the REAL issue is buried down a few layers; do we take the time to peel those layers off to get to the REAL heart of the matter?
Do we rush the conversation along because we have errands to run and phone calls to make? Do we tell ourselves, “Oh this is JUST about science class or recess activities – it’s not like it is something big, or about a real problem. If there was a real problem or conflict going on, of course I’d sit down and talk to him/her about it.” Really – and how would you know? If we’re waiting for them to walk in carrying a big sign saying, “I have a problem and I need your help” we might be waiting a long time.
Kids are searching, whether they know this or not, for help and guidance along the way. They are trying to figure things out. Sometimes they (just like adults) need a sounding board, on which to feel out ideas, as they learn to work through things. Are you listening to them when THEY need you, or only when it is convenient for you?
How we handle our responses and interactions with our kids today is paramount to their success in the future. Are you making it so your kids not only WANT to confide in you but feel safe to do so? We have to remember that each one of these interactions we have with them (right now) either helps build their confidence or undermines it. Sometimes, in our haste to help, we inadvertently criticize. In our hurry to offer suggestions, we unknowingly reject or deny their feelings. After a while, all those pluses and minuses add up. At some point in the future we will see our results -- do we have kids who have the confidence to solve problems, work out conflicts with others, manage their emotions effectively, and are able to cultivate close relationships with others? There is more power sitting with us than perhaps we realized.
This is a skill my own mother mastered very well. Growing up, I remember time and time again being upset about this or that, and when I talked to my mother about it (often in tears) she never said “Oh you’re just being silly…” or “You just need to…” or “Well, that person is crazy for saying that and you just need to move on.” She never started spouting out a list of things to do to solve the problem. She just listened. Her words were ones of empathy and acknowledgment for how I was feeling – “Oh you must be feeling really hurt right now” or “Sounds like you’re really mad at how she treated you.” Each time, my problem didn’t go away (obviously) but I always felt better afterward and more equipped to handle that which lay before me.
I never understood what my mom was doing, when she comforted me in that manner, until reaching college. Going through peer counselor training, one of the exercises was this active listening role-play situation. All of a sudden it hit me: the techniques we were learning were the ones my mom had used all through my childhood. (Who knew??!)
So you would think that this Zen Mama Wannabe would have this down to a science by now. That with this background, I would easily be able to pass along the same gift to my children. Uh – no, not quite. Apparently I have pearls of wisdom I just have to get out, winning solutions I just have to offer, effective techniques I just need to share to help ease any suffering my kids may be going through.
Isn’t it true that watching our children struggle is one of the hardest things to take?! Especially when we have the vantage point of all our years of experience. We KNOW what is important and what is not, and the best way to handle all those schoolyard situations that come up. We want to offer that wisdom, to pass along our advice, in order to HELP our children. But ultimately, are we really helping – or hindering – them?
Perhaps it would be better for us to take a step back, pause (take a breath – or two – in true Zen-like fashion) and just LISTEN. Nod our heads, keep our eyes on them (not our email) and when we do speak, reflect back to them what we have just heard. That is what I was taught as a peer counselor, that is what best-selling books on the topic suggest, that is what my own mom did with me. It works! So why is it so hard for us (me) to do?
If we could remember one technique, I think it should be this:
- It’s like…
- You feel...
- You mean...
Not offering an opinion? You have got to be kidding me. No analysis of the situation, no slight judgment of what the other kid in the scenario is doing or the poor decisions/choices possibly being made? No advice on how to handle it more smoothly or effectively? Easier said than done!
I write this because it is something I think about, something I wrestle with myself. I want to be the calming presence for my children that my mother was for me. I want to create and maintain a safe, welcoming environment where my children always feel comfortable to confide in me (the good stuff and the bad). I don’t want to be a helicopter parent that swoops in to the rescue, but I don’t want my children left out to their own devices (with no guidance) to have to figure it all out of their own. Many of these skills are ones that can be modeled and taught. But we have to remember to be aware and present to find these opportunities – they really are all around us – if only we take the time to listen.
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