I was knocked on my back (literally) last week by that nasty flu bug going around. 4 days of a fever I just couldn’t break. Trying to pull it together long enough to get myself up and in the car to take the kids to and from school. Nothing like getting that sick – especially when you NEVER get sick – when your husband is on a 2-week business trip. And why was I THIS sick? Because I had failed to take my own advice! I knew it and I blew it. Oh Physician, heal thyself!
I have been doing affirmations, talking to the Universe, praying to God, listening to my Wayne Dyer audio books (and don’t forget the smoke signals and drum beating, my husband adds). I have been very clear on my intention. I have been trying to stay positive. (Mistake number 1. No “try” allowed. As my little girl keeps telling me: Do or do not. There is no try. You gotta love a 4 year old who quotes Yoda!)
I had been trying to visualize what I want to take place as if it had already happened. I thought I was “in tune.” Obviously now I get how desperate I sounded. I thought I had detached. I thought I had let go of the rice. I didn’t get how tightly I was actually hanging on until my high fever smacked me down and made me see things a bit more clearly.
I had been trying to force MY will on the situation. I was, underneath all my Kumbaya singing, panicked and scared to death. Scared it wasn’t going to work out the way I saw fit. Scared it had to be this way or no way. For all my enlightened thinking and bravado talk, deep down inside I was acting like a wimpering, pathetic fool. “Maybe you should cut down on the coffee, okay Sweetie?” my husband advised from the road, 3000 miles away. But that wasn’t the answer. It ultimately took a smack down from the Universe in the form of this ugly flu bug to make me see the light. Why must some of us always learn the hard way??
So I gave up. “I am done!” I announced (although no one was around to hear me except the dog). We’ll lose the chance to get the townhouse. We’ll be stuck here in this house longer than we wanted (thank God, at least that it is a beautiful house). We’ll deplete our nest egg. Whatever! I don’t care anymore. (This is where you say you don’t care, but of course you really still do; some part of your delusional brain thinks you can trick the powers that be into believing that you have finally detached and let go.)
But as my high fever kept lingering and I saw my body not able to fight this off as quickly as I would have hoped, I realized it was time once and for all to let go. I was trying to manifest great things. I was trying to create a win-win-win situation for everyone involved. I was putting ALL my energy into it. “You didn’t just give 100 percent,” my husband told me, “You gave 500 percent!” Yeah, and then I crashed and burned.
But this Zen Mama Wannabe learned some good lessons through it all. When you find yourself wanting something that badly, it is your first clue to take a step back. You cannot force your will on the Universe. Goals are important. So are positive thoughts, and lists, and affirmations. But so is trusting that it will all unfold the way it is supposed to. That’s why the quote my husband saw in that coffee shop rings so true for me. Or, perhaps it’s just my wishful thinking. It doesn’t matter. All I can tell you is I am still trying doing my best (yes, remember Yoda) – and that right now, I am sure it is not yet the end.