Zen Mama Wannabe

Swine Flu -- Epidemic or Paranoia?

Swine Flu...it is the number one leading news story everywhere you turn.  It has preoccupied the nightly news shows and the Internet headlines.  Even before the WHO (World Health Organization) raised the alert today to a Phase Five – the second-highest rating there is (meaning it believes a global outbreak of the disease is imminent), we had gotten 2 emails from our School District Superintendent, one directly from my son’s principal, and another from my daughter’s preschool director.  Thus far, 100 schools across the USA have closed because of it.  The State of Texas (where the first death in the US from Swine Flu has been recorded) just suspended ALL its high school sports because of it.  So, I’m curious…how wrapped up in this are YOU??

To be honest, the economic woes we are facing as a country concerns me much more than this outbreak or flu epidemic.  Am I crazy?  Is this Zen Mama Wannabe out to lunch?  I know, you don’t die from a massive recession (unless you jump out of a window like a few financial planners sadly have done).  But when GM closes it plants, it affects a lot of people – from the actual factory workers, to the men and women who made the bolts and the screws that got sent to the factories, to the drivers who delivered them, to the restaurant workers who fed them, etc.  The Swine Flu outbreak has the potential to affect millions too – but not quite in the same way. 

The CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) says the number one way to limit your risk for contracting Swine Flu is to practice good hygiene.  Wash your hands.  Those 3 words we remind our kids about throughout the day, every day, as it is.  Something we all should be doing anyway – but maybe now even more so.  Wash when you walk in the door, wash before eating, wash before moving on to another activity – wash, wash, wash. 

The CDC also recommends not going into public places if you are sick.  Sick people belong at home, naturally, although this rarely happens.  Spend any length of time in a classroom and you will hear all the sniffles, coughs and sneezes.  Swine Flu or no Swine Flu, working parents cannot afford to miss work to stay home with their kids (or themselves for that matter).  Especially these days, when so many people are barely hanging on financially as it is. 

But what of all these warnings and news stories?  Good to have the information – good to know what the symptoms of Swine Flu are.  But are we helping to create panic or spread a (media) epidemic all on our own? 

Then I wondered, what would I do if I found out a child in my son’s class had just returned from Mexico?  After all, our Spring Break just ended, a lot of kids in the class go on week-long vacations with their families, and yes, Mexico is a popular place for a lot of them to visit.  How would I feel about it all THEN? 

Obviously, the more you know, the better you will be (in theory, anyway).  So yes, be more aware.  Wash hands more.  Stay away from sick people.  Take your vitamins.  But should Swine Flu continue to have the predominant focus in our lives right now??  Should it be making everyone all atwitter (especially on Twitter)?  Am I missing something to suggest otherwise??  I'm all for "better safe than sorry" but have we gotten a little too carried away??

Well, I am off to help with homework now.  And yes, we'll wash our hands first.  Swine Flu or not, some things just make good sense.

Getting Back in the Saddle - Again

It has happened to all of us at one time or another.  We’ve been working hard on doing something on a regular basis, sticking with it, making it part of our routine – and then WHAM! – “It” happens (whatever “it” is that throws us off course) and suddenly we find ourselves back at square one.  Having to start all over - again.  AGH!  It is enough to make you want to give up right then and there.  So, what do you do?  When it has happened to you, how did you (or did you) get back up in the saddle again?

We usually think of this happening with exercise plans or diets we start, but it is really true with ANY goal we are working toward.  We work so hard at following the plan (1,200 calories a day; 5 work outs a week; whatever it is).  Perhaps we even start seeing some results.  We are feeling motivated.  Things are looking good.  We are on track.  No sooner do we think that then Life gets involved.  Perhaps to test our resolve.  Perhaps to see how we handle a curve ball or two.  Perhaps just because that is how Life goes for the majority of us. 

Usually something happens.  Company or clients are in town -- meaning bigger, heavier dinners and more food around than you normally would have.  A sudden overload of meetings you have to attend that cut into your normal workout time – and your day is such that that was the only substantial “free” block of time you had.  One meal blown or workout missed is no big deal.  But have this happen a couple times in a row and you start finding your momentum is gone too. 

If we can catch it there, and jump back in the saddle right at that moment, we can usually salvage it.  But so many of us get discouraged.  The number of the scale is now higher than before.  The gym no longer feels like the place you want to go when the alarm clock goes off.  The spinning class that used to kick your butt when you were attending consistently, you now feel you wouldn’t survive for the even first 15 minutes.  It gets depressing.  You think to yourself, “I’ve already missed doing ______ for the last 5 days.  It’s not like one more little day is gonna matter.”  But it DOES matter.  We know that, really.  Yet 5 days turns into 6, then 7, and it just gets THAT much harder to get back on track. 

I’m going through this right now (and I’ve gone through it so many times in the past with so many different things that you would think I could write the book on it)!  This time for me it is with writing.  I have my goals of what I want to write and how much and how often – and I’ve lost my momentum.  I’ve fallen of the proverbial horse, and quite honestly can’t seem to even be able to FIND the dang thing to climb back up on.  Think it left me in the dust and is back at the stable now, munching on hay and carrots.  It is probably thinking, “When you’re serious about riding, come find me.  ‘Till then, I’ve got better things to do.”  (I hate having a lippy horse.) 

Well, one thing about a Zen Mama Wannabe is they do not give up.  I will make it back to the stable.  I will get back on that horse.  I will ride away into the sunset. (Hey maybe that is my problem….I like all my dreams to have happy endings).  But I wonder, when you are ready to try again, do you just GO FOR IT (you know, dive right in all gung-ho) or do you ease back into it with some baby steps?  I wonder what proves to be more effective?

Sometime I believe you just have to shake things up.  But sometimes ANYTHING (even just a little something) can be the catalyst to get you back in the groove.  Not following a diet word-for-word but just cutting out the glass of wine with dinner or the bowl of ice cream for dessert.  Not trying to do the 3.5-mile run each morning but just getting out and walking for 20 minutes a day.  Not cleaning out and reorganizing the entire garage, but just going out and working on it for 20 minutes at a time.  You start to make progress.  You start to (albeit slowly) see results.  You start to get motivated.  Don’t look now but you are starting to get your momentum back.  Of course getting and keeping are two different things – but hey, let’s take this one step at a time.  I’m still trying to get back to my horse!

Can't Judge a Book By its Cover

Have you seen this YouTube video clip that is circulating around?  Please overlook my lack of technical ability (I sadly cannot figure out how to embed a video in this article) and just click on the link the old-fashioned way.  You really need to watch this. 

This particular recording of what transpired on the hit show Britain's Got Talent is roughly 7 minutes, which I know sounds like a long time to sit there watching, but the time will FLY by, trust me.  I normally hate these "Oh you just have to watch this" type of thing, and therefore usually don't, but my sister's note in an email last night compelled me to take a look.  Yeah, this clip has been flying around the internet -- and yeah, it really is one you have to see.

I have now watched it several times, and each time this Zen Mama Wannabe gets MORE teary-eyed than before!  Goose-bumps run up and down my arms.  Words come to mind like "extraordinary" and "stunning" and "incredible."  How many life lessons or teachable moments can you come up with -- from just those 7 minutes? 

I felt like I just had to know more about her story; after a quick Google search, here is what I came up with. (Better to watch the clip first, then read on).

• Susan Boyle is 47, currently unemployed (but maybe not for long!) and lives alone in the house she grew up in. 

• Both her parents are deceased, with her mother dying only 2 years ago.  It was her mom who wanted her to try out for the show, who believed in her daughter's talent and told her she could win.  Once she passed away, Susan finally got up enough nerve to give it a go. "I wanted to make her proud of me," Susan says of gathering up the courage to try out.

• Susan was "ruthlessly mocked" and bullied as a child because of her frizzy hair and a learning disability she has struggled with ever since being starved of oxygen at birth. To escape the torture from the other kids, she turned to singing.  (Guess who is having the last laugh now).

• She has always longed to find love and romance, unfortunately lacking from her life as her parents didn't want her to date.  Never married, never even kissed, she says her only real regret is not being a "mum" as she loves children and wishes she could have had her own family.  She has given up on that dream, but still holds out for finding love.  

Quite something, eh?  I bet we have not heard the last from this "frumpy" woman from a small village in Britain who is inspiring (and teaching!) millions from all around the world not to judge a book by its cover.  Well done, Susan Boyle!

Do News Events really need to be Life Lessons?

If my husband knew I did it, I doubt he’d be too happy.  I can see the look on his face as he’d ask me in THAT tone, “You said WHAT?”  Why would you say that?  What were you thinking?”  And I’d get mad at him, for questioning me, for taking me to task for my actions.  From practice I’m afraid I can play it all out only too well.  Thankfully he is in NYC all week, so busy with work things that he hardly remembers our names.  When he gets home, there will be other things to talk about – in fact, this may never come up.  So the one left here to question my actions, my common sense, is ME.  And now that I’ve had some time to contemplate it all, I think my husband (if he had said all that to me) would have been right.  Ooh, I hate when that happens!

It was a judgment call – a “should I? or shouldn’t I?”  For some reason, I felt the news was something I needed to share.  “He’s only 7!” my husband would exclaim (in this pretend conversation).  Yes, that is true – but I guess I felt like he needed to hear about it.  About how life works some times – when it is confusing, unfair, unjust, and just down right unexplainable.  It was another reminder that every moment, every second, is precious – a true gift.  Even when you are on the top of the world, at the top of your game; yes, even when you seemingly have it all. 

This is all true.  We know it as adults.  But was it really important for me to tell this to my 7 year old?  A sweet boy who has a tendency to veer toward anxious without much help from me.  I am the one who calms him down – the one who reassures him all is safe with the world.  What the heck am I doing instead shaking everything up?

I can argue (as I would to my husband) that he would hear about this anyway.  Our guy reads everything he can about all the various baseball teams.  He not only knows the scoop on our favorite team (Go Dodgers – I know, a shameless plug); he also knows more than you can believe about ALL the other teams, players and ballparks.  He would undoubtedly read it, hear it, or see a video clip on the computer about it without me mentioning it.  And maybe it would upset him MORE that way.  Or maybe he wouldn’t really get a sense of it.  Maybe the tragedy wouldn’t register with him that much and he would go on about his day. 

I guess I was so shaken by the news that I didn’t want it to go unnoticed.  Maybe it was me that needed to talk about it.  To give it the importance I felt it deserved.  The Angels canceled their baseball game tonight because of it.  He would definitely hear about that.  But really, that is no argument for why a kid should be told upfront about a tragedy.

Do young kids have the maturity or depth of understanding to process such a sad, senseless event?  Normally I would say NO – which I why I won’t let my husband watch the news in front of our children.  Boring, political shows that debate the issues back and forth are okay on occasion (although my son never sits too long for those), but the evening news?  No way!

So was I a hypocrite this afternoon?  Simply for my sake – not his?  Obviously I tried to spin talk about it in a simple manner – giving my son the information in a way he could understand.  But what is he left with?  That horrible things happen to people for no good reason?  Is that the life message I felt was so important to convey?  Yes, sadly life can go this way -- but the innocence of childhood gets stolen away so quickly as it is these days.  Was it really so imperative I add to it?

I meant well, I really did.  But in hindsight, I wonder if this Zen Mama Wannabe would have done better keeping my big mouth shut.  I don’t know – maybe my husband would have been right.  Is it better to try to control the news cycle or attempt to ignore it all together?  I wonder...

How do you Say Good-bye?

I got word that one of my aunts is not doing very well.  Okay, let’s be blunt (although I choke on the words): she is dying.  She was a big part of my life growing up and a wonderful lady – then and now.  I was fortunate to get to talk to her briefly on the phone yesterday.  As I dialed the phone, I knew this would be the last time I would hear her voice.  And part of me couldn’t help but wonder…how do you say good-bye – when you know it really will be a final good-bye?

Her voice sounded surprisingly strong and she made reference to her situation.  She said she was tired and something to the effect of just waiting for it to happen, for her to depart.  And I can’t help but feel I was offered an opportunity there and I blew it.  She was being honest, and instead of meeting her with the same bravado she put forth, I played it safe.  I murmured something and the conversation went on – when what I really wanted to ask was, “Are you scared?  Are you okay?  Do you feel anyone else’s presence there with you, waiting for you to cross over?  Do you know how loved you are?” 

I didn’t go there because I decided in a split-second to play it safe.  How often do we do that?  Take the easy path because there might be a bump ahead in the road we can’t see.  I told myself I didn’t want to upset her, that without being there to take her hand and see her face, my words might come across as too insensitive.  Yet she spoke about her situation honestly; how I wish I could have responded the same. 

Mostly though, I was trying to pass on to her how much I loved her and what a very special lady she is.  I was trying to be strong without turning into a blubbering idiot and it just got to be too much for me.  I don’t know if she was aware of my voice cracking at the end.  I don’t think I said anything to really help her with what she is going through right now; I just know selfishly I got to hear her voice and it sounded just the way I remember it – and that is what I am hanging on to.

I really find it hard to talk about (or write about) without crying -- and my husband can't help but wonder why.  Why it is affecting me THIS much?  My aunt is in her 90’s; she has lived a full, active life.  She lives in another part of the country; I haven’t seen her in nearly 4 years (although I would have seen her in February if I hadn’t gotten so sick and missed that family get-together).  Not only has this Zen Mama Wannabe lost loved ones very near and dear to me before, but I studied gerontology and end-of-life care intensively when we lived in NYC.  I was even thinking of getting a master’s degree in it.  It is not something foreign to me.  So I don’t blame him for wondering what is going on here with me this time.  And the simple answer is:  I haven’t a clue.

I wonder if loss gets HARDER to take as we get older?  It is not a logical assumption, because one would think you would get used to it more each time you experienced it.  But maybe as you age, you also realize how fragile and special relationships and loved ones really are.  Certainly not anything to take for granted.  Even though most of the time we still do. 

Maybe it is that as my cousins are saying good-bye to their mom, I am feeling the dread of having to do that when the time comes with mine.  A little projection, perhaps.  If my mom died tomorrow, everyone would say she too lived a long, worthwhile life.  But part of me feels like it can never be long enough for me.  After all, your mother is your anchor – I know it will feel very strange to have that heavy piece gone once and for all when it does happen.   

Or maybe I am just becoming entirely too hormonal – I won’t rule that out too.   For good or bad, seeing their mother tear up is not an unknown sight to my kids.  (You just try reading one of Patricia Polacco’s books out loud – like The Keeping Quilt for starters – I dare you to tell me you made it through without SOME sort of reaction). 

I am sure it is bits of ALL those things that are adding to my sadness.  I can’t help but think that usually we don’t get the chance to say good-bye.  It is usually a phone call after the fact, like it was when my dad died, when all you can do then is mourn.  So if you are fortunate enough to get the opportunity to talk to someone as they are getting ready to leave this world, what do you say?  And can you do it for their sake - not yours?  I can't help but wonder, when given the chance, how do you say good-bye?

One Word to Sum it All Up

AGH!  May I say that again?  AGH!!!!  That’s it – that’s my word; quite frankly, that is my life right now.  Some people have easy-going lives that plod along, staying the course amidst any turmoil.  Not the case for this Zen Mama Wannabe.  My life is so upside down, inside out, high, low, and everything and anything in-between.  I don’t know which end is up – but that is ok, because as you all know, you cannot keep a good Zen Mama down for long.  I am slowly getting back on my feet, back in my groove – so look out, World! Well, soon enough anyway.

It is hard to find me right now among all the moving boxes.  They are piled so high and crammed so full – and they seem to be multiplying!  Going from a big house to a smaller house is tricky, even with a storage unit, which is also packed so full a little mouse couldn’t make its way in!  The move was one we WANTED to make.  Yet it came up on us suddenly and having my mom break her wrist (her right one of course – and naturally she is right-handed) in the middle of it all just added to our chaos.  I spent hours at the hospital on 2 separate occasions leaving my husband to deal with the bulk of it.  We both agreed it was what I should do – but it didn’t help with the stress level moving brings about.

We feel unsettled, not at all situated in our new digs.  Each day that I get the kids fed and dressed  (yes, in clean clothes) and off to school feels like a major accomplishment.  I unpack box after box and don’t seem to make a dent in the sea of cardboard we are surrounded by.  Our priority has been making this go smoothly for the kids – and thankfully they are such happy children that they don’t seem phased by it all.  Confession time:  my son couldn’t even play in his Little League game last weekend (the movers had just left the night before) because we couldn’t find his mitt or cleats.  I mean, come on!  How pathetic is that?!  And yet, he didn’t sulk or complain or throw a fit, as one might expect a young boy who LOVES baseball as much as he does might do. 

And my dear husband, who can’t stand disorder or too much mess in his environment, hasn’t said one word to me on why can’t I get more done during the day.  In-between taking the kids to school and to all their various activities and helping my mother with all the many things, including taking her to physical therapy 3 times a week, I find my days used up on “other” stuff when all I really want to do is get the house in order for us.  

I want to be done with this part of the process (the dreadful unpacking process and making things fit when the space is entirely different than you previously had).  I want us to be outside, enjoying our new scenery and all this spring sunshine (especially as they keep predicting rain in the forecast in the week ahead).  We traded being surrounded by redwood trees in a beautiful, tranquil spot for a newer development right on the bay, where people are always out walking on all the bike paths and enjoying the saltwater air, and where it seems even getting your mail can become a social event.  I’m ready to move on to the next part and yet instead feel bogged down in the very worse way by endless boxes, packing paper and that ridiculous moving tape all over everything. 

And the worst thing is we seem to have lost a key piece to our coffee maker/espresso machine, making the latte side of it unusable at the moment.  On top of everything else, no morning latte??!  Ooh you really know how to kick me when I’m down. 

This week promises to be more of the same:  school, activities, hand therapy appointments, and overdue thank-you notes from my Little One’s 5th birthday party that took place 4 days before the movers showed up (just to add to the hecticness of it all).  And of course there is the quest of getting rid of more boxes – and possibly more stuff (I think part of the problem is we just have too much stuff!  Remember what I said about downsizing being "the new black?" Why didn't I listen more to my own advice?!)

So let me just vent one more time:  AGH! – and now I will get back to work.  Baby steps, right?  I just wish I could slow down my roller coaster life for just a bit so I could get caught up.  But until I figure that out, I will just try to take it one thing box at a time.