Zen Mama Wannabe

Letters to God

The kids and I are going to try something new.  We are each getting a journal of our very own.  And in it we will each write our own letters to God.  I’m viewing this as an experiment and I am very curious to see how it will turn out.  Will we stick with it?  Will this turn into something every more powerful than I am envisioning?  Will this go over as a huge hit – or a big flop?  Ever tried something like this?  How did it work for you?

It is no secret this Zen Mama Wannabe needs guidance right now – help and guidance that can only come from myself and a higher source.  A friendly pep-talk would be nice, but I need results, and short of that, I need relief from all this anxiety I am carrying in the pit of my stomach.  I am searching for the ways to get that right now – from doing affirmations, and trying to hold only positive thoughts (SO hard I can’t even tell you), to brainstorming all the ways I can personally take action (hard when your situation is out of your control) to listening to some of my spiritual mentors (like Dr. Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson) who help remind me to keep focused and have faith. 

It is hard when you are filled with fear and anxiety – because it can be all consuming, and that isn’t such a good thing when you have young kids around.  I’m distracted, I’m not laughing and smiling as much, I am probably even a little more short-tempered when they start their bickering and whining.  I’m not fooling myself; kids notice.  They notice everything.  So I started thinking, what could I do to turn this into a teaching moment (for all of us). 

Mimi Doe, award-winning author of  “Busy But Balanced” (a personal favorite of mine) and the founder of Spiritual Parenting.com  suggests in her February newsletter:

Write a letter to the Source that fuels and guides you. It may feel awkward and a bit strange to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard for this purpose. Think of it as a way to focus your thoughts, clearly express your thanks, release your worries, or ask for guidance. Writing to God can be like talking to a close and trusted friend. It may also be similar to a good journaling session. There is something very soothing and freeing when we reveal our innermost thought and desires in a context that is safe and free from judgment.

So that is where I got the idea.  We’ll keep journals.  We’ll write to God (or - in my 4 year old’s case - draw pictures).  We’ll do it as often as we feel called to do so – but at least 2 times a week.  It may be the start of them learning of the incredible healing power a journal can bring you.  Being in touch with what you are feeling enough to put it in words and write it down is an important thing to learn.  Having a safe place to vent, to confide, to talk about some of the deep dark things you’d never share out loud is important.  I kept journals all through high school and college (and even after – off and on).  I know first hand how helpful they can be. 

But this isn’t just about learning to keep a journal.  I want them to develop a relationship with God. (I know – that term makes some people – including my husband – uncomfortable, but it doesn’t matter to me what you call it, and to get hung up on that is to miss the point of this whole exercise).  I want to give them a foundation to build on.  What they ultimately decide to do with it is up to them. 

I am searching for what I can use to bolster my faith.  As I struggle along on this journey, why not let them come along too.  No – not to be privy to MY fears – which would send my worrisome son over the edge I’m sure – but to see the process I go through when searching for strength.  That’s the part I think we can do together.  That's the teachable moment.

So, 3 journals it is.  On the front page of each, I am writing down this meditation Mimi Doe also mentions that is used by the Buddhists as a way to cultivate openheartedness and centeredness in all relationships.  Whether you call it a prayer, mediation or mantra, I think it is a beautiful thing to teach (kids AND grown-ups alike).  Obviously anyone's name can be inserted in the middle part -- so it works for everyone (a one-size fits all solution - how easy is that?!)

As Ms. Doe recommends, “Say the following words when you wish to transmit love and send light to your child, or to anyone else. The effects are remarkable.” 

May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be happy.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be well.
May (child's name) be filled with loving kindness.
May (child's name) be happy.
May (child's name) be peaceful and at ease.
May (child's name) be well.
May we be filled with loving kindness.
May we be happy.
May we be peaceful and at ease.
May we be well.

 

Yes, I think that is a great place for us to start.

A Magic Potion to Combat Fear

Okay I want something to happen right now.  Really badly.  I mean really really badly!  It isn’t actually that I want it – it’s more like I NEED it to happen.  And it hasn’t happened yet.  So I’m full of fear – fear that it won’t and I (we) will be stuck.  Fear that it won’t and we will miss out on a current opportunity.  Fear that we are in a nose dive right now, heading straight for a crash.  I know we’ll pull out in time (before we hit bottom) but I’m feeling the fear of a hair-raising, white-knuckle ride along the way. 

What do you do when you are feeling like this?  (DO you ever feel like this??)  What do you tell yourself in those dark moments, when you are really feeling worried or afraid?  What do you do to combat the fear?

I SAY it’s all gonna be all right.  It’s all going to work out.  It always does.  Positive thinking.  Yada yada yada.  But when I’m alone, I feel that nervous lump in the pit of my stomach, and I start having doubts.  I do believe it will all work out – but I want it to work out NOW.  I want to move on – and sooner rather than later, thank you very much.  Obviously, I am not meant too – not yet.  Perhaps that is the lesson:  how do you stay calm in the midst of the storm? 

Marianne Williamson writes in her best selling book A Return to Love:

It’s easy to have faith when things are going well.  But there are times in everyone’s life when we have to fly on instruments, just like a pilot making a landing in low visibility.  He knows the land is there, but he can’t see it.  He must trust his instruments to navigate for him.  And so it is with us, when things aren’t what we’d like them to be.

She goes on to write about a quote from the Talmud, the Jewish book of wisdom, which says:

During the time of the darkest night, act as if the morning has already come.

That is the same technique all the creative visualization books recommend; to act as if that which you want is already here.  Instead of sending out a nervous, fearful vibe, act as if that which you seek has already happened for you in your life.  And all the books say that in doing that, the universe will match your vibration.  Think fear, you get fear.  Think lack, you get lack.  Think abundance, you get abundance. 

I’m going to try doing that (as a practice) several times a day this week.  I am going to say my affirmations as if what I really (really) want has already happened.  “I now have ______ in my life.  I am thankful and appreciative and have moved on to the next step in this process.” 

I do these affirmations from time to time and I have to say, it works.  My husband calls it me talking to the universe.  When things get tricky from time to time, he’ll say, “Hey – why don’t you put a call into the universe for us?”  He’s only joking – but even he would have to admit it works!  We’ll look back on things later on, and I’ll point out how we got pretty much just what we asked for.  (Tip to the wise:  be careful what you ask for – or forget to ask for! Yep, I learned that one too.)

Of course you would think with this proven connection, I would stay sane (and worry-free) all the time.  But no – I am not nearly that wise or spiritually evolved.  This Zen Mama Wannabe can panic and freak out with the best of them.  Until I get to that dark place, where I simply cannot take the anxiety and HAVE to do something (a bit hard when it is a situation you have little or no control over).  Then I work on my fearful thoughts, turning them into positive affirmations instead.  Remember, it is all about changing the energy. 

Please don’t get distracted by the name or labels used.  Whether you call it God, the universe, a higher power, or just plain energy, I don’t think that really matters.  It is whatever works for you. As a well-known clergyman once said, “I don’t think God gets hung up on the labels.”  (Amen to that.)  At the moment, I am praying to God and talking to the universe and trying to change my energy vibration.  I need all the help I can get.

So starting today I am doing my affirmations.  I am dedicating time to say them to myself, convincingly, several times throughout the day.  I am going to write them down as if they already had happened (as if the morning had already come) and make them my mantra for when I’m sitting at red lights, or cleaning the kitchen, or getting ready for bed.  You should try it too.  It really does work, and besides, what do you have to lose - except maybe those fearful thoughts?

And the Hits Just Keep On Coming

One Hundred and Four.  No – that is not the new Disney Dalmatian movie; it is the number I saw on the ear thermometer after taking my daughter’s temperature yesterday.  This would be AFTER I took her to doctor’s office that morning to have her chin looked at.  AFTER hanging out at the Dentist for nearly an hour waiting around during my mom’s appointment.  AFTER gymnastics class – where she did say she was chilly, but everyone was shivering in the big, cold space, so I didn’t think anything of it.  AFTER we finally got home and she started whining that her legs hurt.  AFTER she fell asleep on my bed (and this little one never voluntarily lies down and takes a nap anymore).  AFTER this Zen Mama Wannabe finally put it together that something was wrong, felt her head and immediately took her temperature.  104 and rising.  Like Tom Cruise’s character says in the movie A Few Good Men, “And the hits just keep on coming.”

I immediately called the pediatrician’s office.  Yes – the same one my husband wanted to abandon the night before.  Also the same one that had us come in the next morning first thing to look at her chin.  The one that saw us right away and said the gash could probably use a stitch or two, but they would have to send us either to the hospital or a plastic surgeon’s office.  And there was a chance they would just decide to tape it together with those sterile-strips.  Either way, there would be a scar – and either way it should heal just fine. We opted for the sterile-strips put on then and there in the doctor’s office.  I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Now, just 6 hours later, I was back to being concerned.  104+ was the highest temperature she has ever had.  We are the healthy people.  We don’t get sick (or not very often).  “Weren’t you just in here this morning?” they asked me.  Yep – we’re the chin people.  You don’t know us very well because we never get sick and have to come in.  But here I am calling you twice in one day.  Just a coincidence??  Except I don’t believe in coincidence.  Could this be related to her chin in some way?  It made sense to me.  (My husband calls that “making up science” and apparently I’m quite good at it). 

The word from the pediatrician's office:  not related – probably just a virus.  We could come in and have the doctor look at her (again!) but they are probably going to say take some Tylenol, drink fluids and rest.  I don’t need to pay another $30 co-pay for that. 

So here we are at home.  Activities and plans now having to be canceled. (And as Murphy's Law would dictate, we have a lot of them - including a birthday party on Saturday which she has been counting down the days until!)  Waiting to see what her high fever is trying to tell us – you know, what is coming next?  (When I called her preschool to tell them she wouldn’t be coming today, they mentioned that strep throat AND scarlet fever are going around.  Terrific.  What else ya got for me?) 

Yep, the hits just keep on coming. Or when it rains, it pours.  Or...if it’s not one thing, it’s another.  (Can you think of any others?)

As if We Didn't Have Enough Drama in Our Lives...

My daughter took a bad fall tonight - running up the stairs.  She tripped on her new Princess nightgown (the one she got for Christmas and never wants to take off – even during the day!) and fell down with her chin going BOOM on the hardwood floor landing.  (And she was running upstairs to get MY cough drops so I could manage to finish the story I was reading them!  Ooh, the guilt!)  So…loud thud, even louder screaming and blood all over.  Got the visual?

Luckily, she banged her chin on the underside, so her face looks okay, but there is a gash.  All I could think of was my childhood next door neighbor hitting her chin on the side of the community swimming pool and needing stitches, or my own ear mishap at a friend's pool party in high school (thanks to the boy that threw the oar at me) that resulted in 7 stitches (and we probably wouldn’t have thought to go to the ER but my mom’s friend – ironically the mother of that same next door neighbor – insisted that we get it checked out).  That seemed to be the million dollar question tonight:  how do you know if you need stitches or not??

As my husband put pressure on it to stop the bleeding, I decided to call our pediatrician.  The answering service would page the doctor on call and they should be able to walk us through this, right??  Not even close.  I called our pediatrician’s office only to find out that they DO NOT have a doctor on call.  All you can do is call a 1-900 number for a CHARGE and talk to a nurse.  Is this how it is where you live?  It sure wasn’t like this where we used to live!  Maybe this is just how it is now in general.  After all, our kids are healthy (knock on wood) and out of the baby/toddler phase, so other than our yearly check-ups, we don’t have much dealings with our kids’ doctor or her office.  Maybe this is just how health care is these days.  Hmmm.

 My husband wasn’t quite so understanding.  Then again, you don’t tell a man soaking up blood and trying to keep his little girl from sobbing hysterically again that there are no doctors on call anymore.  As far as he was concerned, we were finding a new pediatrician tomorrow!  So we called the 1-900 number and agreed to the $2.95 charge for the phone call. (Believe me, it’s really not about the money – it is more a principle type of thing that you should be able to call your doctor and have someone paged who will get back to you – you know, apparently the old fashion way – without getting nickel and dimed about it).  I left our information on an automated system that told us that our message would be answered based on priority of illness and to expect a call back at some point.  Gee - it just gets better and better.  Then I remembered the ace up my sleeve -- my cousin (the pediatric surgeon)! 

So I played the card and called her – even though I never call her (we email each other, but with our busy lives even that is only occasional).  I think she was instantly concerned to hear from me at night (it was a little after 8pm - thankfully not TOO late) and was no doubt worried something was REALLY wrong.  I get that way too when the phone rings at night, especially late at night and really early in the morning.  Seems like that is the time when bad news (the really awful kind) gets spread, especially within families.

Anyway, she was kind enough to walk us through it very thoroughly – you know, ask questions, gather information (albeit over the phone) like a true professional and help us determine whether we needed to load up the car and head out for the hospital.  For us, going to the ER is a big deal.  It not only means getting there, but sitting and waiting (usually for hours on end) once you are there!  We want to avoid the ER at all costs if possible.  At the same time, we don’t want to not tend to something that might need more care.  

Thankfully, in this case, the bleeding had stopped and the gash where the skin isn't touching is only about 1/4 inch (it would probably be just a stitch or two – if that).  Anyway, we had ice on it a long time (it also looks like she's got a lump there) and my cousin recommended we clean it out, put a band-aid on it, and call our doctor in the morning just to touch base.

Interestingly, the nurse on that hotline finally called back and her advice was to go to the ER.  She said with anything on the face that is what they recommend.  I tried to explain that it wasn't ON the face, it was under the chin (so thankfully you wouldn't see a scar) but she said just to go.  Hmmm.  I understand it from their end: better safe than sorry – especially when you are dishing out medical advice over the phone – but still.  She seemed more interested in getting answers for the form she had in front of her than to actually listening to what I had to say. 

We gave our little patient a lollipop for being so brave (once she stopped her initial screaming, which lasted a bit, she really tried hard to keep it together – at one point when my husband asked her if she still wanted the ice on it, she gave a long slow sigh, paused, and said, "Whatever you think is best, Daddy.").  Her brother got a lollipop too for trying to be helpful (although I think I might have to work with him on his bedside manner; just a tip, but saying, “Oh my gosh!  Look at all that blood!  Uck!” doesn’t really work when you are trying to calm someone down) and then we finished our long forgotten bedtime story.  Hopefully she will be none the worse for wear tomorrow. 

What a night.  We’re so grateful I have a wonderful (accessible) pediatric expert in the family!  But what about all those families that don’t??  I know where they’d be right now. They’d be sitting in chairs at the Emergency Room, still waiting to be seen!  This Zen Mama Wannabe can't help but feel something seems really wrong with our health care system, don’t you think?

Change Has (Finally) Come

When this Zen Mama Wannabe’s kids look back on this day years from now, I think their story will be something like this:

Mom and Dad let us stay home from school that morning – something that never ever happened – just so we could all watch the Inauguration together.  Dad didn’t want to just record it and play it back for us later that evening – he wanted us to experience it LIVE, while it was happening in Washington D.C., as if we were there, a part of it.  He wanted us to be able to remember sitting together around the TV watching President-Elect Barack Obama take the oath of office.  It was a moment of history, he said.  Unlike any other we’d probably ever see in our lifetimes.  Mom even made us stand up every time they asked the audience in D.C. to stand up – just as though we were there too.  Dad just shook his head at that part, but we humored her anyway.

And Dad said, like he always says, "Remember when I heard him speak in D.C. a year before he even ran for President, before he really was on many people’s radar, and I came home and told you guys that I just heard the most amazing speech, from the most amazing man, and I just have a feeling that one day that man is going to be President of the United States!  Remember that?”

Mom told us we weren’t too young to remember this day, this event, this moment.  "You’ll want to remember this," she told us.  "You see, you look at him and you don’t see the color of his skin. But some grown-ups aren’t as wise as you and even when I was a little baby, there were some places in our country where a black man and a white man couldn’t sit and have lunch together.  So the fact that a black man could become President of the United States, the highest office and title in the land (possibly in the world) is a really big deal." 

But is Barack Obama really going to change America?  Is he really going to stop global warming, we asked her?  One man can’t do it alone, she reminded us.  "It’s up to us too – all of us. We all need to be a part of the change. We have to ask, 'How can we help?  How can we serve?' Just like he said in his speech, we have to become a part of something greater than ourselves."  

Mom asked us later what our favorite part of the whole Inauguration was.  We told her we liked the part where they fired the canons at the end – real cannons – how cool was that!  And the part where he kinda messed up on his lines when he was taking the oath of office – cuz that showed us that even such a great speaker like Barack Obama, even the President, can flub things up from time to time.   

You are a part of history, she told us.  This moment means so much to so many on so many different levels. You will remember this day!

Maybe not always - but certainly on this, Mom was right.

The New Black

It has been quite a week.  Take a dose of reality, stir in a little fear and panic, sprinkle a generous amount of stress on top and there you have it.  Sadly this time, I am not speaking about the nation’s economic woes, but rather my own personal ones.  And after the bitter pill left for us to swallow, we ended up with only one conclusion:  it’s time to downsize. 

For us, this means moving out of a house we love (L-O-V-E) and into a more affordable (i.e. smaller) place.  For us, this means spending a substantial amount LESS each month on rent.  This “savings” will help tremendously right now and it is the right decision to make.  It should have been made sooner perhaps, but that is neither here nor there.  All we can do is look forward. 

We were fortunate to sell our house in Southern California when we did (June of 2007 – right before real estate really started sinking).  We were smart to not immediately buy another house up here, but rather to wait and see for a while.  Wait and see what the housing market was going to do (continue to go down – good news for potential buyers like us).  Wait and see if we REALLY liked it up here (we do!) and if we had picked the right town (we feel we have).

The unfortunate part was a couple of things (some factors out of our control, like the stock market plummet and the credit crunch) that have led us to look (again) really closely at our finances.  Decisions that seemed okay before, now (in the light of the whole economic downturn) seem irresponsible and we need to fix that.  We want to get our ducks in a row so that we can buy the house we want in a couple years and start up those college funds for the kids again, etc.  A move seems to be the answer for us right now, but of course it couldn’t be as simple as that – because nothing ever is, at least not for this Zen Mama Wannabe. 

It means finding someone to rent our big, lovely house (so we can get out of our lease) and then of course it means finding another place to move – one that is affordable and will work for us and our kids and oh yes, the dog  (nothing like trying to find a place to live when you have a big dog)!  It is like all these little things have to line up in order to make this happen and it is really enough to put an already stressful situation over the top! 

But, besides the stress, which is overwhelming, I gotta tell you that I like (I actually do) the idea of downsizing.  Of cleaning out, getting rid of, scaling down.  Of having less and dealing with less.  You know, the whole Less is More.  As a friend told me, “We spend so much time dealing with all our stuff – cleaning it, organizing it, taking care of it – that we miss out on other opportunities, like just hanging out and being together as a family.”  Have truer words ever been spoken??

So we have started going through our stuff.  And you know what?  We have a ton of crap stuff.  Stuff we have accumulated over the years.  Stuff we have spent a lot of money on (so THAT is where it all went).  Stuff that is just taking up room and cluttering up our current house (and probably wouldn't even fit in a smaller one)!  If nothing else, talk about bad Feng Shui. 

So the good news is we are changing that.  Starting this past week.  One overstuffed closet at a time.  But you know, we don’t feel bad or sad or anything like that.  We feel good.  It feels good to clean out.  As I told the kids as I tried to explain why we were doing this without completely freaking them out, “We have 3 couches in our house – one on each floor!  Who needs 3 couches?  That’s insane!  I think if we scaled down to 1 couch, maybe 2, we’d be just fine.  But 3 couches – isn’t that a bit much?” 

Yeah, scaling down.  Downsizing.  I hear it’s the new black this year.  Just wait and see.

Mama, Will You Marry Me?

My little girl surprised me the other day.  She looked up at me with her big, round, chocolate-colored eyes, and said,

“Mama, when I grow up, I am going to marry YOU!”

I had heard these words many times from my son when he was her age.  They are words that touch your heart and make you smile, mostly from the sincere conviction with which they are spoken.  It is not unexpected to hear them from your son; but when my daughter said them to me, I confess I was caught off guard.

Quickly I searched my brain for the response I had used (over and over) with my son.  About how mommies and sons can’t get married, but what is even better is that because we are mother and son, we will ALWAYS be in each other’s lives.  From now until forever.  He will always have me in his life, and when the right time comes, he’ll meet a really special person and marry her.  He’ll have this wonderful person as his wife, but he’ll always have me as a mom – how could it get better than that?! 

With my son, these were not flippant conversations.  He was solemn and serious when he would tell me this and not easily convinced.  I never treated it lightly; a declaration of love should always be taken seriously and I knew it was but a fleeting moment in time.  (That was for sure – within six months, he had moved on to our adored college-age babysitter as his choice for a wife.) 

This Zen Mama Wannabe never thought I would hear these words again.  Completely surprised, I smiled at her, and I couldn't help sounding regretful when I said:

“Oh sweetie.  When you grow up, you can’t marry me.”  

She looked at me for a moment, then nodded, and said, “Oh, yeah.  That’s right.” 

She got it?  Just like that?  Stunned, I asked her, “You understand what I’m saying?” (Albeit not very well this time around)

She nodded again and said, “Yes.  Cuz when I grow up, you’ll be way too old!”

Let Go of the Rice

There is a story my husband would tell me when we were first dating.  It had to do with monkeys out in the jungles of Africa (isn’t this what YOU usually talk about when you are first dating someone??).  It went something like this:

       These villagers in Africa were having a hard time capturing these monkeys.  Finally someone got wise and using some sort of container with a small opening on top (an empty gourd or carved out coconut – the story is a little fuzzy to me after all this time), they filled it with some rice and left it out for their “guests.” 
       The monkeys, being the curious little creatures that they are, would run over to it, and eventually stick their hand in the gourd to get the rice.  They would grab a big fist full of it and then go to pull their hand out, only to find their hand was stuck!  The hole on top wasn’t big enough for their wide, round fist to get through. 
       Capturing these monkeys now became a piece of cake because the monkeys never once thought about just letting go of the rice, pulling their hand out and running off. 
       Moral of the story:  sometimes you just need to let go of the rice. 

I have been guilty of this behavior so many times – haven’t you?  Wanting a certain outcome so badly that I become so attached to it (too attached to it) to the point I’m practically forcing it.  You think you are focused on a goal, when really you are stuck (with your hand in the jar) and just don’t realize it.  Working towards a goal is good.  That is taking action.  But the attachment to it is all emotion – and that is the unhealthy part.  It stems from our need for control – and it is based out of insecurity and fear. 

Detaching from the outcome of things is one of the hardest life lessons this Zen Mama Wannabe has learned – and I have by NO means finished learning this one!  I am better at it now than I was, but it still presents a struggle for me on many occasions.  You know – when I really really really want something.  Because when I really really really want something, there is emotion attached.  I’m vested; I’m hooked.  I want (no I NEED) this to happen.  Or, so I think. 

Deepak Chopra calls the practice of detaching one of the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success and says:

“The Law of Detachment says that in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it.  This doesn’t mean you give up the intention to create your desire.  You don’t give up the intention, and you don’t give up the desire.  You give up your attachment to the result.”

The times in life when I have done this, when I have ultimately let go and detached, things have always worked out – either as I had hoped or even better!  Often we see (with our limited vision) X, Y, and Z.  But what is out there is a whole realm of possibilities with a much wider range than we could have ever dreamed. 

Are you hanging on to some desired result?  Are you clinging to your belief that X or Y just needs to happen for you and by golly, you are going to do all in your power to make that happen?  Are you so vested in one particular outcome that you are missing the fact that there are other possibilities out there (maybe some even better than what you are shooting for)? 

Sometimes what we need to do is just let go of the rice.

A Must Read for 2009

Have you heard about what is happening in our economy lately?  Have you heard the recent predictions from the leading economic and financial experts?  Are you aware the mortgage and housing crisis is due to get worse?  Do you know the HUGE storm lurking on our horizon is with credit cards and it is already starting to hit?  Unemployment numbers are due to RISE for at least the next two years.  The downturn is predicted to continue through 2009 AND 2010.  No turn-around is anticipated anytime in the near future!  None of the many experts dispute any of this. 

2009 needs to be the year of living consciously.  I don't know your situation, but to think that you will not be affected in some way is foolish.  So what can you do?  Stay awake - aware - conscious.  Don't hide your head or live in denial that you will be untouched.  Be proactive.  Get as much as information as you can so you can make informed, intelligent decisions. 

Suze Orman has a new book out - written just for this year (2009) - because this year will be unlike any other we have experienced.  Why do you need this book?  Because I think at least ONE of the chapter topics will be of interest to you and your situation.  Whether it is spending, saving, real estate, credit, retirement investing, paying for college, or just protecting yourself and your future, there just might be some useful information for you.  Worse case you read it (it is a very easy read) and say, "I know ALL this; I am already doing ALL of this."  Then, if that is the case, you can sincerely congratulate yourself for you are truly taking care of your financial future (and freedom). 

For the rest of us though, there is always room for improvement.  If you gain even just a couple tips that can help your financial situation, isn't it worth it?  Oh yeah, and here is the best part:  you can get this book FOR FREE.  Now what have you got to lose? 

For 1 week, it is available for FREE, as a download, on Oprah.com.  Click on this link, choose whether you want English or Spanish, and download it at no cost right away.  Want the actual book?  Head over to your local bookstore and purchase it.  But how can you beat FREE? 

This Zen Mama Wannabe believes you need to get helpful information from every source you can.  Information is power.  Maybe you make some changes, maybe you don't.  But don't for one second think it is not happening, or not about to get worse, or that it won't in some way (or can't) happen to you.  Make this the year of living consciously. 

It goes without saying that I get nothing for making this recommendation (because obviously, the book is already FREE).  I just thought it was too good of an opportunity to pass up and wanted everybody to know! 

Sticks and Stones

I know it happens.  I have read about it.  I have heard about it.  It’s normal.  Typical.  A part of childrearing.  No big deal.  Yeah right.  Until you hear your darling child scream at you in that horrible mean tone, “I HATE YOU!   I.  HATE.  YOU!”

How can your wonderfully delightful child, who brings you so much joy, turn into a demon child in less than two minutes?  How can such horrible words be thrown out with such venom?  As if he or she is speaking the truth (although you know it is not true, because of course they don’t REALLY hate you – or at least you are pretty sure).  Ouch!

These words were directed at my husband last night.  HE was the bad guy.  I confess I was relived.  I know my turn will come.  But it was the first time either of us have ever heard them – and they are not easy words to hear. 

You KNOW they don’t hate you.  You KNOW what they REALLY want to say is, “I’m mad at you.  Really mad.  Really really really mad.”  But they don’t.  They have gotten too upset.  The reptilian brain has taken over.  They are furious and want you to know.  Younger children might hit instead.  But as they get a bit older, they seem to realize they can get a greater punch with words. 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.  Yeah right.  Words are powerful.  Words can cut into you so deeply, in a way a punch or a strike never can. 

As a reader and a writer, I love words.  But I also know the power of words.  I try to be careful with words.  I know people who are not.  I know people who spew words all over the place and then think an I’m sorry makes it all better.  They don't seem to get that words etch themselves on your soul.  I’m sorry is helpful in healing the hurt but it does not erase what was said.  Just like a comic strip character with the bubble over his head, once words are out there, you can’t take them back.  They have been said.  All you can do is move on to the next frame. 

During the early years, when my kids would get frustrated or upset to the point they would “lose it” and have a tantrum or a breakdown, I would always say, “Use your words.”  I wanted them to talk about their feelings, to be able to identify and label what they were feeling.  It is a powerful man (or woman) who can do this.  Anyone can throw something, yell, scream, slam a door, punch a wall, whatever.  When you are 2, you can get away with it.  When you’re older, you can’t (and if you do, shame on you!) 

Well, last night my daughter used her words.  THOSE words.  This was after the crying tantrum that obviously didn’t get the desired affect.  Already at 4, she knows that words can hurt your feelings.  Her words were carefully chosen yet thrown out carelessly. She wanted to cause hurt because she was hurting.  We are the grown-ups.  We understand this.  But that doesn’t make the sting you feel when you hear those words any less real.

I talked to her about it the next day, in what I hope was a quiet and considerate Zen Mama Wannabe manner.  I was not trying to scold or lecture her at that point. I wanted to reassure her on how much she was loved.  I wanted her to know I understood how upset she had been.  But I also wanted her to understand that words can hurt people just as much as hitting can.  (And in our family that is simply not okay).

Perhaps now I have inadvertently given those words even more power than before.  Because of it, maybe she will choose to use them again sometime when she wants to get a desired effect.  My second grader (who watched the whole meltdown with wide-eyes) had some good advice for us: “You gotta remember not to take it personally.” 

Maybe he’s right (as usual)!  Maybe words only have as much power as you allow them to have over you.  Maybe some words DO get taken too personally. (Just think about the emotion attached to the n-word).  Or maybe they should. (After all, to think you can just say horrible, nasty, hurtful things and believe there is no consequence is not only wrong, but stupid too). 

4 going on 14.  That’s what worries us.  Hopefully we’re getting all the drama out of the way NOW.  Well, we can HOPE, can't we?