Zen Mama Wannabe

Charging up for the Holidays

Christmas is coming -- the goose is getting fat
Won’t you please put a penny in the old man’s hat?
If you haven’t got a penny…just charge it like you do
No room on your charge card?  God bless you.
 

Just a little wannabe humor for something really not so funny at all.  The holidays are quickly approaching and the majority of Americans do all their shopping using their credit cards.  So what is happening in the credit card sector right now is concerning, to put it mildly. The predictions are that this will be the next big thing to hit Main Street. Even consumers who pay their bills on time and currently have high credit scores are being affected! No one can afford not to take notice.

The New York Times is likening it to the mortgage crisis, saying, “Now comes the credit card crisis.”  There is more and more talk among financial experts that even creditworthy consumers are and will be affected by tactics the credit card lenders say they are being forced to do in this sinking economy.  This entails:

• Cutting credit limits for existing cardholders (even for “good” responsible cardholders)
• Raising existing interest rates on carry-over balances  (again, even for those considered highly creditworthy)
• Lessening the amount of credit card offers being sent out
• Reducing the amount of time for those zero-balance promotional offers
  

Here are some other facts you should be aware of.  Without warning, credit card companies are changing payment due dates – which can sometimes go unnoticed if you use a Bill Pay system each month, like we do.  All it takes is missing the due date by a day and POOF – your interest rate can skyrocket, any promotional rate you might have had is gone, and your credit score is dinged.

When credit card companies reducing your credit limit (another thing that might go unnoticed – because after all, they have been arbitrarily raising your limit over the years since you’ve been such a good customer and it is not like you use it all anyway) it can actually LOWER your overall credit score.  That’s right – through nothing you have done, your credit score can be negatively affected just because the lender decided to lower your limit. 

Are you like this Zen Mama Wannabe wanting to know what you can do to protect yourself?  Most importantly, pay close attention to your credit card statements when they arrive each month.  Diligently check the due date, the interest rate, and look for any “hidden” charges that might be getting tacked on.  Another way lenders protected themselves in the past was to raise fees charged when your payment is even that one day late, or when you charge over your limit not realizing your limit has been dropped down considerably.    Ensure that your payments are not late (THEY CANNOT BE LATE!) and that you do not charge over your existing credit line (and be aware that number may not be the number you thought it was several months ago). 

Is it time to go back to using paper – not plastic – when making purchases?   I have a friend who is trying to use only cash for all purchases for the entire month.  Only 8 days into it and she says she is already having a hard time.   Personally, I can’t even imagine doing that – but then, that sure says a lot about the situation we are in today. 

But typical monthly spending aside, when the holidays come around it always seems to change the rules.  For most people it is a time of spending and giving and buying – and I’m not just talking about gift buying; stocking up the pantry and entertaining those holiday guests adds up too.

We all have different budgets and different spending abilities.  But whether you live on Baltic Avenue or Park Place, your ability to CHARGE IT like you have done in the past could very possibly be affected by the recent economic downturn.  Right now, it is more important than ever to really be conscious and aware of the purchases you make (and keep a careful eye on your statements too).  Who knows – maybe it just might simplify the holidays a bit, if only out of necessity.  And that can’t be such a bad thing, can it?

Beware! A Halloween Candy Scare

With Halloween just days away, candy is on many people's minds.  As in, "How can I get as much candy as possible?" to "Do we have enough bags of candy to hand out?" - because as we all know, you never want to be the house that runs out of candy early in the evening (hex on you!).  At the same time, you don't want to have a huge bowl or container of it left over at the end of the night either (because, being the dutiful adults that we are, we can't bare the thought of it going to waste - and that is where it ultimately ends up: on our WAISTS!).  It is quite a balancing act, and what happens to many of us is in a last minute moment of panic, we run out and buy just a bit more - just to be safe.  And this year, being SAFE is on a lot of people's minds!

Emails are flying around the internet right now about some chocolate candy being recalled because of the risk of Melamine contamination, which is highly toxic even in very small amounts.  Here is part of the email I got:

HALLOWEEN CANDY RECALLED
 
The info below was verified by Snopes. Please pass this on to people in contact with children or even lovers of chocolate coins.

There is a new warning put out by the Canadian Food Inspection Agency...Sherwood brand Pirate's Gold Milk Chocolate coins are being recalled due to the fact that they contain Melamine, the contaminant in milk product that has caused many infant deaths in china. These candies are sold at Costco, as well as many bulk and dollar stores.  Please make sure to check your children's Halloween candy and DO NOT LET THEM EAT THE PIRATE COINS (you know the ones wrapped in the shiny gold foil) and please let other parents know about this.

Sherwood Brands is saying this recall is for chocolate coins vended only in Canada and that none of this chocolate reached the U.S.  This may be true, but we might want to error on the side of caution.  Certainly no chocolate coins will be going anywhere near my children's mouths -- that is one simple way to alleviate any uncertainty. 

The potentially bigger issue is that this Melamine problem in chocolate is quite possibly not restricted to these chocolate coins alone.  A number of U.S. manufactures buy their milk, chocolate, etc. from China.  Already this week, British chocolate maker Cadbury ordered a recall of its China made products and CNN went on to report the following:

"U.S. companies Kraft Foods Inc. and Mars Inc. said they would adhere to a recall order of Chinese-made Oreo wafers, M&Ms and Snickers in Indonesia, but said they wanted to conduct their own tests with outside experts.

So far only a local agency has checked the products for melamine, but the levels found were considered very high."

No! Not my beloved M&Ms and Snicker bars!!!  What would Halloween be without them??!  Again, this Zen Mama Wannabe should point out the reports are thus far saying it is their Chinese-made products and no massive recall has been issued here in the U.S.  I am not sure if it says on each individually wrapped candy where it was made, but I can tell you this year I will be checking our loot extra carefully. 

For those of you handing out treats, please take a moment to double-check the packaging of your goodies -- if all those vampires, ghosts and goblins standing at your doorstep don't appreciate your cautiousness, well, I know their parents sure do!

Planner or Participant?

Tis the Season….for those good ol’ control issues to flair up again.  Holiday festivities equal events where family gathers together, which means a variety of personal agendas and various power struggles.  Heck, you don’t even need the holidays to witness this; if you look carefully, these types of interactions are all around us.  How can we stay sane in the midst of all this hankering for control?  My oldest and dearest friend has talked me off the ledge numerous times with an interesting technique.  See if it might work for you.

My best friend sums it up like this, “You are either the Planner or the Participant.”  As the Planner, you take charge, figure it out, make the plans, have the control.  As the Participant, you go along; you are agreeable to what the Planner has worked out.  No fighting for the reins – you sit down, shut up and let the Planner steer the wagon.

As women it is a hard concept to grasp at first.  Throughout history, we have fought so hard and so long to have our opinions matter, to be the ones for once in control.  Control is not something we relinquish so easily.  But we are also finally realizing that we just can’t do it ALL, and it might behoove us to be smart about what we choose to claim as ours (our project, our decision, our agenda, our itinerary, etc) and what we are willing to let go.

My best friend learned the concept the hard way.  Her husband likes to plan their annual vacation.  He likes to do the research, figure out the best option, and weigh what is doable and affordable.  He likes to be the Planner in this area.  During the first few years of their marriage, my friend tried to be the one planning the trips too.  After all, she had opinions and ideas and they were equals in this new partnership, right?  Not quite.  Equals in the marriage, yes.  Equals in having their opinions count and matter, yes.  But as she found out the hard way, too many Planners on a project give you the age-old problem:  Too many Chiefs, not enough Indians. 

After countless squabbles and one near-ruined vacation, she told me she finally got wise.  The next year, she backed off.  She let him do the planning.  And the more she stepped back and didn’t fight for control, guess what happened?  The more he kept running things by her making sure his ideas were agreeable to her.  He actually became more considerate once he wasn’t having to elbow his way in to the table.  She later confessed to me that he really does have great ideas when planning out a trip.  He thinks of things she never would have, and comes up with a plan that lets them explore new areas, learn a bit about the history and culture of a place (things that are important to him), and still have plenty of time to relax, unwind and be able to sip on a cocktail or two (priorities of most over-worked women I know).

As women we are natural Planners.  By necessity, we plan out our days, we plan out the family’s schedule, we plan out the meals….the list goes on and on.  Some of us have husbands who like to put their finger in one of our pies from time to time (like my friend’s dear husband - Mr. Vacation Planner).  Other men prefer to leave all the family and home “details” to us. (“If only my husband would plan something – a trip – anything!” another friend said. “I tell him which week to take off and how many golf clubs he is allowed to bring and that is the extent of his involvement.”)  But as long as her husband is happy being the Participant, and she is okay being the Planner (which she happens to be) it works out fairly well. 

This concept can also be put to good use when dealing with extended family dynamics.  Anyone have a family matriarch with a never-ending agenda?  Ever feel like you are constantly butting heads with what THEY want to do versus what YOU want to do?  Figure out ahead of time if you are going to be the Planner or the Participant when you see them (hint: when you go to THEIR home turf, trying to be anything but the willing Participant is crazy and fool-headed and will only cause you the potential for unlimited grief.)  That doesn’t mean you have to be a bump on a log, or have no opinion at all (something most women shudder at the mere thought of).   But as you know, getting into a power struggle over it almost never ends in a productive way.  Ever heard about the wise one who took “the path of least resistance?”

Figuring out if you are the Planner or the Participant works great when dealing with your peers too. I had to excuse myself from one school committee because of the in-fighting among the various mothers involved.  The committee head (i.e. The Planner) was weak – or perhaps just too kind in wanting to let everyone be heard.  Control issues multiplied and women that I am sure are very nice most of the time let their own agendas of self-importance get in the way of the committee’s greater good.  There is nothing more unattractive than women fighting so desperately for control -- especially over something of little importance.  Who has time for that? 

Lastly, it works with your children too – as long as it is a situation you know ahead of time you are okay with having them plan.  I’m letting my kids plan out Halloween night (within certain parameters, naturally, or else we’d be out Trick or Treating all night!).  My husband and I are fine being the Participants that night and going along with the kids’ agenda. The kids are thrilled to be the ones “in charge.”  And you know what?  This Zen Mama Wannabe is convinced it will probably be more fun for all of us that way!

Do Celebrity Tragedies Affect You?

Do you pay attention to the celebrity headlines that often fill TV, magazines and the web?  Do you ever hear of something that causes you to feel such dismay or sorrow that it is as if you were hearing about your own family member?  Is it human nature to feel this way – or has the media taken on an overactive role in putting these people in front of us and manipulating our emotions?  How do you feel?

It filled me with great sadness this morning when I saw the headline: Body in SUV Believed to be Hudson’s Nephew.  By the time you read this, it will undoubtedly be known if in fact the boy found is Jennifer Hudson’s nephew – but right now, things are not looking good.  Here is a young woman (age 27) who because of her mother’s urging went on American Idol and got discovered.  She went on to star in the 2007 hit movie Dream Girls, winning an Academy Award and Golden Globe for her performance.  She had a supporting role in the popular Sex & the City movie, and currently had been doing press for the movie The Secret Life of Bees – where she is part of an all-star cast.  To many, this young lady had hit the jackpot – fame, money, career recognition and success, and recently engaged to boot – it would seem like a dream come true. 

Then only a few days ago, tragic headlines told another story.  Her 57-year old mother and brother (with whom she reportedly was very close) were shot and killed in their family home, and her sister’s 7-year old little boy was missing.  I can’t imagine what Jennifer Hudson is going through right now or the incredible grief she and her sister must be feeling.  It is almost incomprehensible, and seems like a cruel twist of fate for a young lady so on top of her game.  Once again we are reminded that fame and success do not insulate you from life’s most horrible events. 

Sometimes though I wonder if it is right for us (the public) to care so much.  Should I be so shaken up about this?  Should I even be paying attention?  I have bills to pay, grocery shopping and laundry to do, playdates to coordinate, doctor appointment to arrange…it doesn’t affect my world – or does it?

Bad things happen all around us – why should I feel so much for this young actress and not the average Jane right around the corner whose car was struck by a drunk driver, instantly killing her, critically injuring her husband, and changing the lives of her two little children in the back seat forever? 

But the thing is, I DO feel for the average Jane – I read her story in our local newspaper over the weekend and had to stop and catch my breath.  I felt incredible sadness for that family and their story has stayed in my heart.  The mother was the same age as me, with two young children just like me.  It could have been me in that car, on that road. These stories are once again reminders that life is so precious, so fragile.

Whether it is Dana Reeve or your Aunt Sue dying from lung cancer, it doesn’t make a family’s loss easier to bear.  Sure, so much attention was given to Dana Reeve – yes, because she was famous – and also because no one could believe the cruel irony (first Christopher Reeve dying after convincing us all he would walk again, then Dana Reeve being diagnosed and succumbing to lung cancer, leaving a family hit hard with a double blow – and their 13 year old son having to deal with the loss of both parents in such a short time).  

Celebrity stories affect us because we have become familiar with that person.  They become like a mom we see around school, a classmate we knew from high school, or a family we occasionally notice at church.   In fact, due to the media today, we often know the celebrity better than many of our own real life acquaintances. We form opinions about them (think of your reaction to Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears, Madonna) which seems crazy when you think about it – but then I guess we do that with the mom we see from afar (“Oh, she is the one that signs up to bring brownies to the bake sale,” one mom scornfully tells another, “Then goes out and buys store bought, sprinkles them with powdered sugar and puts them on a different dish – I mean really, AS IF she is fooling anyone!!"). 

Experts say celebrities’ deaths evoke many emotional reactions for us because it involves a sense of loss.  That loss can feel as profound as that of a friend because we often have identified with them (heck, we’re even on a first name basis with them).  Princess Diana’s funeral was broadcasted in 180 countries and attracted the largest television audience in history!  I guess I am not alone when I say these losses have an affect on us. 

I confess there are some stories that just grab me and I find myself paying more attention to the person in death than I ever did while they were alive.  Sometimes it is an event that is just hard to get your head around (like Dana Reeve’s passing) or the accidental mix-up of medicines like Heath Ledger (leaving behind his beautiful little girl whom he adored so much) or the tragic plane crash of John Kennedy Jr. and Carolyn Bessette Kennedy.  For whatever reasons, those deaths touched me so that you would have thought I had suffered the loss myself.  We expected these people to be around for years, to grow old before our eyes.  They made a contribution to the world, and yet it felt like there was even more they would have achieved if their time had not been cut short.

“…he had every gift but length of years.” Senator Kennedy said in his eloquent eulogy for his nephew. 

Perhaps that is what bothers us the most….a life seemingly cut short just feels like it goes against human nature.  The fame a person has only brings it out to our attention, but celebrity or not, the sadness or grief we feel upon hearing the news is still real.  

And so, in-between loads of laundry and multiple errands today, this Zen Mama Wannabe’s heart breaks for Jennifer Hudson and her family.  I send them my thoughts and prayers – as do I to the remaining members of the local family who lost their wife and mother due to the drunk driver.  I will hug my kids a little more tightly than usual today and be more aware of the many blessings we have.  Doesn't it make you want to do the same?

Teaching Thoughful Deference

One of my former bosses often seemed more interested in her employees' personal growth than the happenings at the office.  Maybe she realized that the more you help people grow and develop as individuals, the more they can offer (or want to offer) you as an employer.   One topic she talked about, that has strangely stuck with me all these years later, is “thoughtful deference.” By going over it with us, I really think she was on to something.  Maybe it IS a topic that needs to be talked about and discussed – especially with our children. 

Thoughtful deference – what does that mean?  She got the phrase from Robert Fulghum, best selling author of All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.  I am sure you read it years ago, right?  One of my all time favorite essays is in that book – I remember it spoke to my core being and moved me in a very profound way.  I’ve been both the Mermaid and the King of Fools repeatedly in my life – and especially now as a parent, I am touched by the need of some fools folk to sum it all up so neatly and conveniently (Wizards here, Dwarfs there – everyone fits in one of the categories assigned). Yeah right. 

Mr. Fulghum also wrote an essay about thoughtful deference, known to some as the Hair Grows story.  It is about his relationship with his barber, a man that over the course of 40 years he knew so well in many ways – and yet throughout all that time, he never met the man’s family, or had dinner at his house, or socialized with him outside of the barbershop. And though they talked of countless personal things, and shared many intimate details from their lives, Mr. Fulghum never forgot where he was sitting (in this man’s chair) and was respectful of that.   

So, how do we apply that to kids?  Let’s start with the basics.  It is being respectful when you enter a library to keep your voice down and talk in hushed tones.  It is being aware when you go to a friend’s house to play that you don’t just walk up to their refrigerator, open the door and look around for a snack (unless you have been told to do so).  It is understanding that some families leave their shoes on in their houses and some prefer them to be taken off at the door (and when in Rome…).  Basically you give THOUGHT to where you are and POLITELY yield to rules or opinions of the other.  You don’t have to agree (with shoes being taken off, for example) but you need to still do it when you are at that person’s house. 

It sounds like such common sense, a thing that doesn’t need to be taught or explained – just something everyone does.  But that is just it – NOT everyone does it.  In fact, I continue to be shocked by how it seems to be more and more lacking.  So perhaps it DOES need to be taught – or talked about a bit as my boss did with us – or at the very least be given some conscious thought. 

It is remembering when you are a customer, you are visiting someone else’s place of business.  When you ride on the bus, you are mindful you are a passenger (a guest in a sense) of the bus driver, and therefore need to show the appropriate respect (a Hi or Hello when you embark, a Thank You when you leave, and a general following the rules of staying seated and keeping your hands and arms inside at all times). 

Are we as parents just too busy, too tired, too wrapped up in our own agendas (or Blackberries) to notice that our kids are hanging out the windows, running through the stores, rummaging through neighbors’ pantries, shouting in the library?  Would we go to our husband’s boss’s house for dinner and let our children spill food on the floor or run all around the table?  Of course not – but then why is that sort of behavior allowed while dining out at a restaurant??  (I cannot count the number of times I have witnessed that, and I’m sure you have too.  I can say, well those are not MY kids, and you can say they aren’t YOUR kids, but hey – they are SOMEONE’s kids.) 

Does this mean we have been lax in our own thoughtful deference – because we all know our actions speak louder than words?  If WE don’t consistently show courtesy and respect, are we crazy to wonder why our kids don’t either?  Again, we can say this doesn’t apply to us (or our children), but somewhere along the line some responsibility needs to be taken.  Regardless of where we fall on the spectrum (and my kids have run around enough stores while out shopping with me to make me no expert) this Zen Mama Wannabe wonders what we could do today to help teach our children what thoughtful deference is really all about?

Kids and Money: How to Structure an Allowance

Do your kids get an allowance?  If so, how did you set it up and what – if anything – is it tied into?  Do you find it is working for you or are you still having to play ATM more often than not?  And do you feel like you are setting your children up for financial success in the future?

Undoubtedly, you have heard what this Zen Mama Wannabe has heard from the money experts in regards to giving children an allowance.  Most experts say it should NOT be tied into chores, that children should do jobs around the house because they are members of your family – not because you pay them to.  Because, as they point out, what happens when they decided it is not worth it to them?  That they would rather NOT feed the dog or take out the trash this week?  Oops – now you have got a bit of a problem.  Better for them to just get a set sum of money each week so that they can start learning how to manage and save. 

But last night on TV I heard a leading money expert give an alternative view for allowances that was rather though-provoking.  She said she went around and interviewed kids on why they received an allowance and the answers were like, “Oh, because I was born.” or “I get one because my brother Ben gets one.”  Talk about a sense of entitlement.    Should you get paid a certain amount each week simple because you exist here on Earth?  Really?  How can I sign up for that plan??!

Instead, financial guru Suze Orman said money needs to be earned.  She based her advice to one mother on the national minimum wage, which is $6.50 per hour.  That breaks down to around 10 cents per minute.  So if you were thinking of paying your child $20 per month (for example) that translates into about 4 hours of work around the house per month, or 1 hour a week, etc. 

She said parents and children should sit down together and come up with a list of jobs that kids will be paid for.  Those jobs should be whatever the parent decides would make their life easier.  Could it be a routine task like making their bed and keeping their room clean?  Sure – if that is something that helps YOU as the parent.  If you think that should be done anyway (money or no money) then don’t put it on the list.  Create the list on what works for you and your household, and what contributes in some way to making YOUR life a bit easier. 

Here is where the good money lessons come in.  If they are doing a fabulous job keeping their room clean, cleaning up the dog poop, and sweeping the front steps and walkway, then maybe you might want to consider giving them a raise.  If they are doing a lousy job, they might get a decrease in salary.  The lesson, Ms. Orman says, for them to understand is this:  “Good work equals good pay equals job promotion.  Bad work equals getting fired.”  After all, isn’t that how the real world works?  What a powerful lesson to teach kids before they even go out and get “real” jobs! 

Perhaps you have your basic list of chores you feel your kids need to do around the house as members of the household.  They do them because they are part of the family and everyone in a family needs to pitch in a bit.  But then there is the list of jobs they can do – at 10 cents a minute – to earn money to buy those extra things they want.  The things that you are not going to be buying them because as parents we understand what a horrible situation we are creating when we just BUY BUY BUY for our kids.  Truly, we must understand we are not doing them any favors.

Oh, you say, 10 cent a minute would never work – they wouldn’t make enough money to buy the things they want.  Well, you could pay them more per hour (it is your house, your family, your rules) but you might want to take a moment to consider this:  the minimum wage is $6.50 an hour.  As a teenager going off to get a job, what is your child going to do to earn MORE than the minimum wage??  The smoothie store, the coffee shop, the hip clothing boutique, swim lessons at the community pool…..those are the typical jobs for teenagers and the salaries for those positions are all about the same – minimum wage.  What would their incentive be to get a job if they get MORE money from you?  How are you preparing them for life after school, or even life during school (college is getting more and more expensive, and many families are finding it necessary for their kids to help supplement – at least with spending money).  Yet how or why would your kids do that if they have always gotten juicy handouts from you?

With these tough times in our nation’s economy, we have an opportunity to do things differently with this next generation of kids growing up.  We can use these happenings as a chance to talk about money, living within your means, and actually saving up for something and having the money in hand when you walk in the store to buy it.  Shocking concept for many.  Kids are walking around today with cell phones and iPods, wearing True Religion jeans and carrying designer handbags.  Parents think their kids need to have at least what the other kids have (and certainly more than what THEY had growing up).  But how would they know that their daughter’s best friend’s parents are maxed out on their credit cards, behind in their mortgage payments, and under huge financial strains because they have been living beyond their means?  They just know Lucy has the new iTouch and $200 tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert so that means their daughter needs to have them too.  And we wonder why our country is in such a financial mess?

In our household, we do not do allowances – yet.  We thought about it – because my son’s friends were doing it (gotta keep up with the Jones, right?) but we never put anything in place.  I needed it to be set-up in a way that made sense – $1 for every year of age reeks of that entitlement issues I am trying hard to avoid.  Another reason why I think Suze Orman’s way sounds intriguing. 

My husband remembers vividly at age 13 wanting a new stereo. He researched and analyzed (as only he can do) until he figured out exactly what he wanted and how much it would be ($300)!  His parents told him for every dollar he put in, they would match it.  He worked hard doing extra chores and cleaning neighborhood houses until he finally earned his share of the money.  His father thought he was crazy for spending that much money on a stereo – but it was a purchase that was well thought out and one he worked very hard for.  His parents could have just given him the stereo – but in listening to him tell the story, after all these years, I could hear the pride in his voice for how hard he worked.  It meant something to him - something just being given a gift could not.   Talk about valuable lessons learned!  And after all, isn’t that what we are after with our own kids today? 

Sum Up Your Motto in 10 Words or Less

This Zen Mama Wannabe is always on the lookout for a tag line or phrase that sums up how I feel about life.  It is like when you see a bumper sticker and think, “Yes! That’s it – that is how I feel.”  It doesn’t happen to me that often, as it is actually much harder than you think to summarize one’s views on life in 10 words or less.  But when it does, I feel as though I have a new mantra to focus on, especially on those days when I need a good pep talk reminder of the blessings around me.

Last night, I was flipping through the Sundance Catalogue and discovered this beautiful sterling silver key chain.  The message on it struck me as so profound – I immediately wished I could order up a whole batch of these and give them to each of my dearest girlfriends to be a daily reminder that life is to be lived and enjoyed!  Since that isn’t possible due to money constraints, let me share it here.  Maybe you can go to the Sundance website and order one yourself (or at least put it down on your Christmas list). 

A reminder of the importance of gratitude and finding your passion – in 10 simple words– now how cool is that??!
                      

Help with Sibling Bickering

Do your kids bicker with the intensity of a presidential debate?  Do you feel your head about to explode as their voices get louder and their tone gets rougher?  What do you do to combat the family battles played out frequently on a daily basis and keep the peace in your household?

This is one area this Zen Mama Wannabe feels at such a loss with.  The sounds of my dear sweet children bickering with each other back and forth can give me a pounding headache in three second flat.  I shudder at the unkind words that come out of their little mouths – the hostility and contempt that flares up in my sweet darlings from seemingly out of nowhere.  It grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard and I want to squash it down immediately (which means I jump in sometimes when I perhaps shouldn’t).  I am discovering the hard way that I have no patience for this type of behavior.  So what can I do?  What do YOU do?

One of the first things I try when I have a situation I need help with is to do some research.  I comb my bookcases and find I have 3 books in my personal library that offer help with this issue:

Siblings Without Rivalry
How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

This one and their other classic How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk are books every parent should have.  They offer good interpersonal skills – not just for parents dealing with kids, but really when interacting with anyone.  They provide you with a foundation to build on, and they give a lot of attention to ways of treating children while still being fair and still showing respect. Just as in their other books, they are big on acknowledging feelings, reflecting back a child’s point of view, and coming up with solutions together.  All great techniques, that can work – it just feels at times that the process takes so long and in the heat of battle, I rarely have the time or patience for all that.

“Mom, Jason’s Breathing On Me!”
 The Solution to Sibling Bickering
 by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. 

This is book I go to the most when needing a quick refresher on this topic.  First of all, I love the title (my daughter has actually said that in a complaint about her brother!) and Dr. Wolf spells out 3 simple (I like simple) “rules” for parents to follow: 

Rule 1: Don’t Take Sides
(Never intervene on one side or the other unless there is possible harm).
Rule 2: Act Fast – or Not at All
(The point at which to intervene is when you start to get irritated.)
Rule 3: Don’t Listen
(Do not listen – ever – except where there is possibility of harm).

This morning while piling in the car to drive to school, I wish I had remembered Rule 2.  My daughter needed to get her backpack out of the back seat.  This was not a real need – she doesn’t even use a backpack – but whatever, I humored her and let her crawl back and get it – even though we were running a tiny bit late and needed to hurry (note to self: next time we are in a hurry, I might want to re-think this approach).  She got the pack, put it next to her seat and started fastening her seat belt. Then BAM! - something happened that involved my son, because the next thing I know she is screaming his name and yelling at him.  We've gone from 0 to 60 in less than a few seconds -- and I haven't even left the driveway!

I turned around and saw a sheepish look on my son's face (I think he knocked the backpack off the seat onto the floor because it was too close to his personal space) but now she is CRYING loudly (you would have thought he chucked it out the window the way she was carrying on) NOT buckling in her car seat like I needed her to do so we could start driving, and now we are running even later. 

So what happens? – I snap!  Her crying is hurting my poor brain that hasn’t even had a full cup of coffee yet and these shenanigans are the last thing we I need right now.  Not sure how I could have intervened before it escalated in to all that, but it’s definitely something I need to keep in mind.  I do agree with the premise that if it’s going to escalate into something that will drive me crazy, I’m better off to nip it in the bud. 

  

Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes
 A family peace plan
 by Cynthia Whitham, MSW. 

This is called a “step-by-step guide to increasing cooperation and reducing conflict with children ages 2-12.”  The key message in this book praise the behaviors you like while ignoring those you don’t like.  It is an easy-to-read (short chapters) common sense guide – and a good one to have especially if you have young children.  But sometimes I feel we shoot beyond the “praise one child, ignore the other” rather quickly in our sibling battles. 

I did use this technique this morning (yes – as you can tell it was QUITE a morning) when my daughter asked for help opening her yogurt container at breakfast.  My son volunteered to help her (Wow!) but she said NO – because of course it had to be Mommy that did it.  He offered again (since I was middle of multi-tasking in the kitchen and couldn’t get over to her at that second) but she snapped NO! STAY AWAY (ah – don’t you just love the mornings).  So I praised my son for offering to help so nicely, and chose to ignore my daughter’s less than polite behavior.  Ultimately was that really effective?  I am not sure.  But I am willingly to try any method I can to keep the bickering to a minimum. 

What techniques do you use effectively?  Any magic trick up your sleeve?  I am going to keep trying a little of this and a combination of that in hopes that I become a little more Zen-like (and less reactive).  Who knows, maybe a bit of that elusive calmness will rub off on them?!

How do you Greet the Season?

Do you have a ritual for welcoming in a new season?  Is there something you do to acknowledge a particular time of year?  It is not just kids that are eager for family customs –- adults sometimes need them just as much. They can be comforting as well as grounding, keeping us present to that which is happening around us.  

The leaves in our town are starting to turn brilliant shades of yellow, orange and red.  Well, on some of the trees that is. Others remain bright green – as if Summer was still in active force and Winter a long way off.  We had some Fall like weather, but then a last minute heat wave snuck in, making it feel less and less like mid-October and more like mid-July! 

Still, the kids remind me Halloween is not so far off – and that last year we made the biggest faux-pas of all:  no pumpkin carving!  What is the Halloween season without the carving out of pumpkins?!  How could that have slipped our minds?  Perhaps it is because we now live in a neighborhood where there is no trick or treating; we are now the ones that drive to the houses in the flat part of town – where they have sidewalks and houses right up next to each other.  Last year there felt like no reason to decorate our house as the Halloween action wasn’t taking place here – it was down over there.  Let THOSE people light up the Jack-O'-Lanterns and decorate their porches – we will ooh and aah as we knock on their doors, then jump back in our car at the end of the night, ready to put the night behind us and move on.  That is grown-up logic – it does not apply to kids.  We should have known better. 

To kids (mine anyway) the month of October means Halloween.  Halloween means pumpkins (picking out your pumpkin, helping Daddy carve your pumpkin, putting a candle inside and admiring your pumpkin – which has now magically turned into a Jack-O'-Lantern and taken on a life all of its own).  It means dressing up in costumes and going trick or treating, and now that my kids are getting a bit older, it means getting as much candy as you can.  I shudder at all the sugar and junk they come home with; yet how can I not remember the excitement of going through my sack at the end of the night and marveling at the good fortune to get all those Snicker bars (and only one Almond Joy – thank goodness – which was always given to my mom as a token of sharing the wealth). 

This Zen Mama Wannabe recognizes the oversight in not doing more last year to welcome in the Halloween season.  We should have carved Jack-O'-Lanterns, and put out the few Halloween decorations that we have.  It is a good way to greet the season – and a fun tradition to do with the kids.  Once they hit double digits this tradition will no doubt change (as my friends with teenagers warn me).  But that doesn’t mean, even then, we still can’t find a way to acknowledge the changing of the seasons in some way. 

So, the skeletons are up...

the witch’s hat is out...

    

 

and we are off to the pumpkin patch to get lost in the corn maze, scratch ourselves climbing over stacks of hay, and pick out pumpkins to bring home.  Pumpkins that WILL this year get turned into Jack-O'-Lanterns!  Because after all, it is the season!
 

Just One of Those Days

Thursday was one of those days!  Do you know the kind?  One of those days that a big bowl of ice cream or a couple glasses of wine might fix – depending on your choice of self-medication. 

It was one of those days where this Zen Mama Wannabe felt like I let everyone down: my husband for not getting more done around the house, my daughter for not playing and entertaining her on a non-preschool day, my mom for not getting over to visit with her, my dog for not taking her out on a walk (which is sadly not a regular occurrence anyway) and myself for not getting the things I wanted to get done either.  What happened?  Oh I guess you could just say it was just one of those days. 

Tomorrow will be different, I tell myself.  Tomorrow my daughter goes to preschool and I might have a moment to hear myself think. Maybe my sweet, non-demanding dog will get a short walk.  Maybe if I am lucky I will be able to squeeze in a quick visit to my mom, before I pick up my daughter, before we rush over to my son’s school. Maybe I will be able to feel like I actually accomplished something for me.  But my calendar says otherwise.  Tomorrow I volunteer at my son’s big school fundraiser, which means focusing on the tasks at hand – not my personal to-do list.  Later in the day we will hurry over to soccer practice, then dash home for dinner and between it all the afternoon will feel like a blur.

Sometimes I think the busier you are, the more you get done.  Perhaps it is just a matter of time management.  After all, we all have the same amount of hours in a day.  Is it how we choose to use (or waste) them that makes one person’s day productive and another’s feel like a waste? 

Does one “off day” ever make you feel like your life is in need of an overhaul?  Is it just one of those days – or rather an indication that things really need to be changed?  Maybe, either way you look at it, it is a sign your life is out of balance.  Yet, a life out of balance sounds so daunting – like something needing a major fix – and who has time (or energy) for that?

Does that nagging feeling like things need to change ever sneak up on you?   How do you deal with it? 

Right now, all I can do is crawl into bed, grateful to put this day behind me.   I am hoping that tomorrow will be more fulfilling, more rewarding – that it really was only “just one of those days.”