Zen Mama Wannabe

More on the 29-Day Giving Challenge

I spent a good portion of our dinner table conversation last night talking to the kids about the 29-Day Giving Challenge.  I am really excited about this in a whole new way now – not just as something I want to do for me, but as a fabulous teaching opportunity for my children.

You should have seen their faces at first – when I said it is about giving away 29 things in 29 days.  I could see the fear gripping at them, thinking I was suggesting another cleaning out of toys and books for charity.  It was only just a few months ago that they started getting comfortable with that concept.  Up until then, if I tried to gather up some old toys to take down to the local charity drop-off box, they would immediately insist on playing with THOSE toys.  Toys they had not touched in years were now the ones they were attached too.  “Oh – you are taking something away from me, I am now lacking, therefore I need to cling to this more than ever.”  That overwhelming feeling of scarcity touches all of us (even this Zen Mama Wannabe) from time to time.  I understand it all too well. 

However, we had a breakthrough with this over the summer when I asked them to donate 3 toys to charity as a square to cross off on their bingo charts.  Having a strong incentive to earn a bingo, my daughter hesitantly picked up her Little People dollhouse and started to hand it over to me.  “Sweetie, this is something you still like to play with.  Are you sure this is one of the items you wish to choose?”  She just looked up at me with her big eyes and solemn face, only her trembling lip giving her away.  I knelt down and explained to her I did NOT want her to give the dollhouse away; it was still a toy she enjoyed and played with and she should still be able to do that.

This was not meant as a punishment.  I just wanted us to give away a few toys they no longer played with – so that some other child could enjoy them.   Relief lit up my daughter’s face and I could tell she finally “got it.”  She ran around the room looking for “baby toys” – toys she had played with as a toddler but had since outgrown.  She found the 3 she wanted to give and did so for the first time with a big smile on her face. 

Giving should not be painful.  It should not be “I give to you therefore I have less myself.”  That is the scarcity mentality.  Instead it is: the more I give, the more I receive.  That is the lesson our kids should learn.  Think about how much better our economy and country would be today if some adults on Wall Street had learned those lessons years ago. 

It is still a work in progress for us, and at dinner last night I could tell their first reaction was to go to that place of scarcity and lack.  So I reminded them of how it felt this summer when we gave away a few things we no longer used that could really make a difference in someone else’s life.  I talked about how giving to others does not always have to be material things (like toys or money or physical things).  I saw the light bulb click on for my son; “It can be giving a helping hand,” he exclaimed!  Exactly. 

The ideas started flowing: holding the door open for someone who has their hands full, giving a smile and a hug to someone who is sad, making a card to send to someone to let them know they are special, baking our favorite cookies and giving them away to friends…their lists went on and on. 

I told them about how we each would have a calendar where we would keep track of the one thing we gave away that day.  “What if we give 3 things away in a day?” they wanted to know.  Yes – how about that – nothing like the contagious energy of good will! 

I realized I hadn’t put much energy into this with them before now.  Sure, there were a few bingo squares (which started to help them understand the essence of giving) but this is taking it to a whole new level.  You start by thinking you don’t have enough to give (lack) and get to a place where you see and feel the abundance around you.

It is going to be a bit of work, I think, to stay with this for 29 days.  I need to keep it going and help them maintain their enthusiasm.  Many times with a new project, we start off strong and then after a while it fizzles out a bit.  That is my doing – I need to make sure this stays a priority for us.  That is why those free calendars are so helpful, because you can post them up in a place where they are noticeable to everyone in your household and thus have a better chance of staying on track.  Accountability is key. 

As I mentioned before, the calendars also have a spot to write what you received that day.  Interestingly, that was a much harder concept for them to get their heads around.  I told them we would not worry about that – what was important was what we gave that day.  If we thought of something we happened to receive – great, but it wasn’t a requisite. 

Of course my 7 year old (always checking all the angles) asked what would happen if we didn’t give something one day.  I said then that person would need to start over again – for it is 29 days in a row.  That took him by surprise; I don’t think he will miss one day now (hopefully none of us will)!  He also wanted to know what happens when you get to Day 29.  I told him a lot of people, including the woman that founded this 29-Day Giving Challenge, choose to start it all over again.  My son seemed very impressed that she has done this 29-Day Challenge over 6 times.  “Wow - that’s a lot of giving,” he commented.  And isn’t that exactly what we need right now (especially now)??!

Up for a Challenge?

Are you up for a challenge?  Ready to try something that could not only help others around you but possibly change your life as well?  Are you finding yourself in need of a little something – like a life with a little more purpose, or a better feeling about the life you are living?  Do you sometimes feel like there is something missing – you are just not sure what it is or what to do about it?  Well, I may have found just the thing you (and I) need.               

                                        

                          Give away 29 things in 29 days.

I ran across this idea on a recent post by Morningside Mom.  I was intrigued and followed the link to 29gifts.org where Cami Walker, the Creator of the 29-Day Giving Challenge talks about how this whole thing came to be.  During a hard time in her life, it was suggested to her that in order to “get outside of your struggle, give one thing away each day for 29 days.” 

She did it and experienced amazing results.  She told some friends and before long people were signing up from all over to take this challenge.  Now her goal is to start a giving movement within the world.  In these troubling times, doesn't this seem like something we all really need?   

It sounds simple – but is it?  Women usually give so much of themselves as it is.  Some days it can feel like that is all we have done – give to our families, give to work, give to school, give to the various activities, give to our spouses and partners – but what about ourselves?  Tired and exhausted we slump on the couch after being on the go since the sun came up, thinking, “You want me to think about who I can give to next??”  Maybe, as Morningside Mom points out, you might want to think about giving to yourself.  At that moment, that might be one of the greatest gifts to give.  But what if, as she points out, for just these 29 days, we stretch ourselves to “reach beyond that level of giving we are already competent at.”  I wonder what effect it would have in our lives – and in the world? 

Here is another “pay it forward” opportunity – you know how much this Zen Mama Wannabe believes in this!  But am I up for the 29-Day Giving Challenge?  Ooh – here is an idea:  what about doing this with our kids too??!  Wow – think of the possibilities!  There is no age requirement for giving.  It would be an awesome thing to do with teens, but even my 7 and 4 year old can participate.  What is the story at your house?  Up for a challenge?  Ready to see what can happen? 

They were trying to get 2,000 people to sign up by September 29th.  Earlier today, they reached that goal!  Now they are shooting for 20,000 givers.  But whenever you read this, you can sign up – there is no deadline for giving!  Officially signing up, by the way, makes you feel more committed.  You don’t have to sign up – you could just have a go at this on your own – but why not be part of this movement of giving?  Can you imagine if 20,000 people committed to do it – or 2,000,000 – or more? 

Can one person at a time really change the world?  Yes – but Ms. Walker says, “to see the world change, we have to be willing to DO something to change the world.”

If tackling changing the world sounds too much for you right now, then think about changing YOUR world.  The same principle applies: in order to see YOUR world change, you have to be willing to DO something to change your world.  I am ready for some change – are you? 

By the way, 29gifts.org has a great tool to use (especially if you choose to get your kids involved).  It is a free calendar to download and print out; on each of the 29 days, you write in what you gave – and also what you received.  As with any thing, it is so important to WRITE IT DOWN and this calendar makes it so easy.  I am printing out 3; my kids and I will start today.  Thanks Morningside Mom, for mentioning this!  Now let’s see how we do!  Anyone else care to join me?

Are Economic Woes a Family Matter?

Do your kids know about the economic woes of our country – and are they aware of how it affects you – or them – in the daily lives you lead?

What is happening in our economy right now is beyond belief.  The biggest bank failure in our nation’s history, warnings of an “economic catastrophe,” and the “worst economic downturn since the Great Depression” lead the daily headlines.  Everyone is predicting it will get worse before it gets better.  So how does all this affect you? 

This Zen Mama Wannabe wishes I could peek into people’s houses on the talked about Main Street and listen in on the kitchen table conversations.  Does this downturn just mean a dip in your 401K plan, but retirement is years away so no real worries, you will just ride it out?  Does that mean you probably won’t be taking that vacation to the Caribbean next year and will have to make due with local weekend excursions here and there?  Or does it mean you are upside-down on what you owe on your house, last month’s mortgage payment was late and you are not really sure you can afford new tires for the truck AND starting your son in braces and are trying to decide which takes precedence?

What do your kids know about these current events?  Obviously it depends on their ages, but are they at all aware of what is happening in the country – and maybe in your home?  Is it wise to share this information with them?  Or would it cause them to worry about things they ultimately have no control over?  But then what do you say to them when they plead at you for the latest Disco Dance Revolution game or private guitar lessons?   

A friend of mine chose to remain silent when she and her husband were short on their bills last month and needed to take out more debt on their credit card just to cover the basics.  This meant not making the requested “donation” to her 11-year old daughter’s school during the main fundraising drive.  The donor names were all published and some other child said something to her daughter about not being on it.  Her daughter was embarrassed and became mad at her mom, who after this whole thing blew up into a big mess, went and made the donation - on her nearly maxed-out credit card.

I feel my friend’s pain, and asked her if she could have done it over, what would she have done?  She said she should have just made the donation when asked (on the overused credit card) and spared her daughter the humiliation.  What would you have done?  This Zen Mama Wannabe has mixed feelings, but I just cannot help but wonder if there were some teachable moments there that got passed-by?  Is 11 years old too young to understand a family’s financial struggles?  Should children be privy to any of that information – at any age? 

“We’re not rich,” my son told me.  Oh really?  Why do you say that?  “Because we don’t have a Wii.  A Wii costs like $300 – if you have that, you are rich!”  Hmmm. 

I am perfectly okay with him thinking that, except I get a little concerned with what gets said at school.  It amazes and terrifies me what get talks about among kids and I know I hear only the very smallest amount. 

“I don’t like George Bush,” my son announced at the end of the last school year.  “He is against the environment.”  Why do you think that, Buddy? “Oh, he cuts down lots of trees.  That is bad for the environment.” I see – and who told you that? He names the child that did, and it all becomes clear.  A child hears something from his parents (or possibly another friend or from the TV, etc.), takes one or two lines of it - sometimes completely out of context - and then passes it around.  It is like that game of Telephone, where you say something to one person, and then they pass it on to the next, and by the time you end up, you usually never have what you started with.  Only here no one thinks they are playing a game.  These are "facts" they are sharing, and when it comes to personal info, it can be a little disconcerting.   

I think back to my own childhood.  My mom tells the story of right around the time I was born, my self-employed father lost his 2 biggest accounts.  Talk about tough times – and with a new baby to boot.  But because my parents knew how to stretch a dollar (and a casserole dinner) I never perceived lack.  I felt I was lucky to have my mom and my grandma sew dresses for me – and my dolls and Barbies as well. I grew up thinking a dinner at McDonalds was a big treat, for we hardly ever went out to eat.  My play-pretend kitchen was made out of orange crates, with some wood fastened on for the oven door.  I loved it.  I was devastated when I didn’t get the Barbie Townhouse I wanted so badly one Christmas.  But the thought that perhaps my parents couldn’t afford it – or that they thought it was an unnecessary, overpriced item I didn’t “need”  - never crossed my mind. 

Of course times are a bit different now.  Things are much more commercialized; people (and therefore kids) seem much more materialistic.  It is a fast-paced, high-tech world and it comes at a cost.  But what is the message we are sending our children?  Should they know that times are tough financially – or should they be insulated from it all?  Are there some teaching moments for them in this mess, or are the lessons really just ours to learn? 

Peer Pressure Strikes Again

Do your kids get to see the latest movies – the ones that all their peers are seeing – or do you have limits or restrictions that you place on them?

Sheri from Unexpected Bliss was talking about Family Movie Night at her house.  This was something I did each week with my kids over the summer and it was one of the many highlights we shared together.  But then, the movies I showed probably were not the movies being shown in other kids’ houses – and I can’t help but wonder about this.  Am I turning my kids into social outcasts – or really is it just a sad state of affairs that young kids today are growing up seeing violence and mature content and not blinking an eye?

When the latest installment of the Indiana Jones series came out last spring, most all the little boys my son’s age trotted off to the theaters to see it.  6 and 7 year old boys watching a movie rated PG-13 (for adventure violence and scary images).  My son wasn’t one of them.  He has never seen ANY of the Indiana Jones movies, and when he does, we will start with the first one and go from there.  (Both he and I are like that – we like order – start with one, move on to two, etc).  But I doubt we will be doing this for quite a while; all the Indiana Jones movies are recommended for kids 11+ (that is right – middle school age).  So I’m not in any hurry. 

Except that the other boys at his school apparently are.  First graders (at the time) watching Indiana Jones.  Some first graders going to see The Dark Knight, again rated PG-13 and recommended for kids 14+.  This is what the kids at school are talking about. And pretend-playing at recess.  Even if they aren’t playing it, these film images of “intense sequences of violence and some menace” are now stuck in their heads.  You cannot help but ask that if these kids are seeing these types of movies NOW, what in the world are they watching when they get into junior high? 

I know MANY 3 and 4 year olds that watched the Star Wars movies.  Apparently I was one of the very few that thought that preschoolers seeing fighter ships blow up and Darth Vader strangling people was not really appropriate.  By the time Kindergarten rolled around, ALL the other little boys were playing Star Wars in the school yard, and collecting all the Star Wars action toys at home.  Thomas the Train was long forgotten (except at our house).  So my son climbed on the bandwagon.  He learned all the characters, played along with the various games, but had never seen the movie(s). 

Finally, in 1st grade my husband thought it was time for him to watch it.  Peer pressure strikes again.  I was against it – too scary, I said.  I was outvoted and one Saturday afternoon while I was out they sat down to watch it together.  My son didn’t get very far.  “It was Darth Vader, wasn’t it?  I just knew that scary breathing would frighten him,” I said in that know-it-all voice.  Nope – it was the brief scene, in the beginning, where Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle are killed (thus setting it up for our hero to go off on his quest).  The death of Luke’s caregivers (his “parents” in a sense) was too much for our guy.  It was months before he would even try watching it again, but finally he made it through – and ultimately really enjoyed it.  But what a lot of pressure work to watch a movie, just because everyone at school had seen it and we need to fit in. 

Sadly, the after-mass of this has left me with a preschooler (my daughter – so eager to keep up with her big brother) who has now seen the first 3 Star Wars movies (or really the last 3 – depending on how you do the counting – Agh – the whole thing is crazy!).  Oh at first she hated the Darth Vader parts and would hide her head in our shoulders, but now she is desensitized to it (and can even watch the parts with the grotesque Jabba the Hut).  I just think that is so wrong.  In the world according to me, this Zen Mama Wannabe says no 4 year old should be watching Star Wars!  I hang my head in shame.  Oh – you are so 1950’s says my husband.  His comment may irritate me, but he is right.

This summer I showed them one of my favorites as a child – the Academy Award winning movie Mary Poppins.  My husband (who, to put it politely, is not a fan of musicals) was out of town and missed seeing the fun the kids and I had watching this classic.  The kids loved the songs and the story (which underlying message is about kindness to all, rich or poor).  They are even interested in reading the book now and seeing how it compares to Walt Disney’s version.  This is the movie that seems to have stuck with them – a movie they ask to watch again and again – a movie they now know most of the songs to (and nothing is cuter than hearing my daughter struggle to say “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious").

But what do you think would happen if my son mentioned watching Mary Poppins at school??  We definitely do not live in a 1950’s world.  It is all about Guitar Hero, dude.  So, Mary Poppins we keep under wraps.  But I have put my foot down about the remaining Star Wars movies (those my daughter will NOT be seeing) and will in general strive to be more diligent in managing what they see and what they don’t. 

When it comes right down to it, no one knows your kids better than you.  What might be fine for one family, may not be for another.  What one parent calls entertainment, another might feel goes against their family values.  I know I am definitely in the minority in terms of what I feel is appropriate for children to see.  But just as I teach my kids not to be swayed by what “everyone” else is doing, I too need to stand my ground. I am not trying to raise average children – so why should I feel tempted to do what the average parent does?  It may not be the popular view, but I need to keep the bigger picture in mind.

As a side note:
A friend of mine told me about this great website called CommonSenseMedia.org which I have since used quite a bit.  You type in the name of the movie (or book or video game, etc) you want to search and it tells you not the only the rating but breaks it down in various categories (sexual content, violence, language, and message – the latter tying into social behavior, commercialism and drug/alcohol/tobacco), so you can get a better understanding if it is right for your family or not. 

What I like about the site is that it does not contain judgments about what you may be choosing to watch; it just helps you become better informed so you can make a more educated decision for your family.  Again, no one knows your kids like you do!

Follow-up to "How to Save a Life"

What a great response to How to Save a Life!  I am so proud of so many of you who actually clicked your mouse and took action.  What a way to make a difference in the world!  Thank you.

Some of you emailed me directly saying you were having trouble on the NASCAR Foundation’s website completing the transaction for the free cheek swab kit to be sent out to you.  All I can think hope is that the response to their generous offer was so great that their site got overwhelmed at times. 

If you were not able to get through, please do not give up.  You were on a mission – you decided you were going to help those in need who are facing really tough odds.  It is still just as easy – still just a few clicks away.  Go to www.marrow.org.  You can still sign up online – or you can search for donor drives in your area. 

The NASCAR Foundation’s drive that enabled you to get the cheek swab kit for free is now over.  I know – now you have to pay $52 to do this (unless you find a drive or sponsor in your area). What is that – one dinner out for some?  A nice bottle of wine for others?  $52 that is TAX DEDUCTIBLE to try and save a life. (I will let you wrestle with that one). 

Marrow.org says it takes about 30 minutes to complete the whole transaction online.  I have heard from a few people that it is much much less than that.  Obviously what they are trying to tell you is that more than just a minute or two is required.  10 minutes?  15 minutes – to try and save a life??  Again, you need to figure out your own priorities.

All this Zen Mama Wannabe asks you to think about is what if it were your daughter, your son, your sister or brother, your niece or nephew, your best friend…..what would you feel called to do?  Think karma or the Biblical “Golden Rule.”   You have this chance (and it is a long shot at best to actually be a match) to change someone’s life – what are you willing to do? 

Planting the Seeds

Our routine is a simple one. Every night after stories, I tuck each child into bed.  When they are settled in their cozy nests surrounded by those 2 or 3 stuffed animals they insist on snuggling with, I reach over to hug and kiss them good nite. "Sweet dreams, I love you" – all those important words get said.  Those are the words that water the garden, the words that cause everything to grow.  But I am beginning to realize that right before sleep is the perfect time for planting too.  Why not pull out a seed or two of inspiration and plant it softly in their ear, where hopefully it floats to their brain and begins to germinate and sprout.

This is what I whispered to my son last night:

You are so smart, and so brave, and you work so hard at things!  I know you can do anything in the world you want to – as long as you try hard enough.  I love you always.

Planting the seeds - with a little water to help it grow. 

Here is the thing:  I want my children to know they CAN do anything they really want to.  Why should there be limits?  Who says?  The world in and of itself provides enough limits; why do they need to hear them from me? 

Because, someone would tell me, you are setting them up for failure.  What are the chances, really, that your son will become a major league professional baseball player?  Or a famous author like Dr. Seuss?  Those odds are one in a million.  You are not being realistic with them – you should not teach them to live in a fantasy world. 

Right, God forbid we encourage our children, or tell them they can have the life they dream about.  We as adults “know” life is not like that, right?  Those types of dreams are impossible.  Except for the ones that didn’t buy into those limits – the Walt Disneys and Michael Phelps of the world – the ones that didn’t accept the word “impossible,” even with "impossible" odds. 

I will never forget a conversation I had with my father just a few months before he died.  I don’t remember how it came up, but I told him, “Daddy, I am going to be a published writer someday!”  He looked me square in the eye and said so firmly and sincerely, “Honey, I know you will.  There is not a doubt in my mind.” 

I think about that, not only when I need a writing pep-talk, but also as a parenting example of how far belief in the abilities of a child can go.  He could have told me how hard it was, talked of all the rejections slips I might face, or answered with a vague, “Yes, well, maybe someday.”  Instead his reply gave and continues to give me all the faith and encouragement I need.  What a gift.  That is what this Zen Mama Wannabe wants to pass on. 

Ultimately, I want my children to know it is not what they do, but who they are that matters.  That is what is important in life.  Who are you as a person?  Are you kind, are you generous, do you ask “How may I help?” instead of “What is in it for me?”  How can you make a difference in the world? 

Big people have big dreams and small people have small dreams.  If you want to change who you are, begin by changing the size of your dreams.

Robert Kiyosaki
Author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad

Exactly.  So I am going to keep working at planting the seeds.  Reminding them of the brilliance that is inside them (inside each of us – this does not just apply to kids you know!)  These are the thoughts I want to take root and grow.  Remember, you can only reap what you sow.

The world is full of the people with the 9 reasons why they can’t do X or Y and definitely not Z.  Let me not be one of them.  Like that famous quote from Michelangelo, "The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark.”  I think it is time we all dreamed big and stretched high.  After all, we all have a garden to tend to - we just need to ask if we are planting the right seeds? 

Do as I Say, Not as I Do

“5 more minutes and then you are done, Buddy,” I shout to my son, who is busy creating a giant rollercoaster for his latest amusement park on Rollercoaster Tycoon. The words barely get out of my mouth as I run up the stairs to check MY email and peruse the headlines on my Yahoo page.  5 minutes turns into 10…and 20 minutes later we are BOTH still on the computer.  Screen time is the silent enemy in my eyes, trying to monopolize my son’s time.  Yet I have been so busy worrying about him being trapped in this sneaky addiction, I hardly noticed I am caught up in it too!  Maybe we are ALL in need of an intervention!

For me, the computer is both friend and foe.  I love email – it provides a great way for me to stay in touch with friends and family scattered all across the country.  I actually enjoy getting newsletters from some of my favorite websites and stores, even if I don’t have time to read them all.  And how many times per day do I check my personalized home page on Yahoo, set up with all my (many) favorite news sources.  In one quick glance, I get the major headlines from the AP, Reuters and other popular sources.  But is it usually just a quick glance that I take? Or do I get sucked up in the “need to know” vortex of news and entertainment?

Does it really make a difference in my life if I read about the Metrolink train crash tragedy or the devastation of Hurricane Ike 5 minutes after it happened – or 5 hours?  Certainly there will be more known facts and better reporting the longer I wait.  Elizabeth Edwards’ comments on how she is doing in the wake of her husband’s shocking confession will be there for me to read right now – or later tonight – or 3 days from now.  Why do I feel the urgency to read about it now? Have I been so conditioned in this fast-paced, must know world of news and information?

I confess I want to know what is going on.  I don’t ever want to be out of touch with what is happening in our world – that just isn’t this Zen Mama Wannabe’s style.  I’ll never forget my disbelief when after telling a friend about the profound sadness I felt with the death of Tim Russert, she stared at me blankly and said, “Who is Tim Russert?’

So I am not arguing against all this – necessarily. What I am realizing is my need to “just check” the computer as frequently as I do is getting in the way of me being present (i.e. in the moment) with my children.  That is the problem. (Certainly not very Zen-like of me, huh?)

There is a simple solution. This week I told myself I would not go on the computer at all in the afternoon.  When the kids were home from school, I was going to be here – present – in their lives.  Leave it to Beaver strikes again.  Email and internet news would wait until they went to bed.  Sounds completely reasonable, doesn’t it?  Well, here is the truth: I didn’t make it once!  That is right – a big 0 for 5!

Oh I tried - starting out strong, with the best of intentions and all, but then I happened to be walking by my computer and thought, “Oh, I’ll just take a quick peek” – just to see.  I couldn’t help but wondered if my friend had emailed me back, or if anyone had added new comments on my blog, or if the financial crisis played havoc with the stock market that day, or what critics thought of the season premier of House.  WHOOSH – sucked in again!  If that is not an addiction, then what is??

I frown at my son if he wants to play another round of Home Run Derby.  I tell my daughter no more PBS videos for the day, that she has had enough.  But who is telling me I have had enough?  It is pretty apparent it is not just our kids that need limits. 

So, here we go again.  First step: admit there is a problem.  Check.  Second step:  create an action plan.  Check.  Next step:  implement said plan.  Ah yes, JUST DO IT - the hard part.  But don’t worry – I will get there.  You see, this Zen Mama Wannabe is convinced the more tuned in (not out) I am, the more tuned in my kids will be.  It is called the connection cycle: better mom – better kids – better family life – it just keeps going round and round.  We lead my example; I have been talking the talk, now it’s time to show them I can walk the walk.  Just hope I don’t trip all over my heels as I stagger walk down the path!

How to Save a Life

The posters were plastered all around town.  Between drops-offs at school and quick (ha!) visits to the post office and the grocery store, you could not pretend to ignore the request.  Her beautiful 6-year old eyes radiated off the signs – even off the front page of the local newspaper.  The story was a simple one: this sweet little girl has leukemia and is in need of a bone marrow donor.  By coming to this neighborhood bone marrow drive and doing a quick cheek-swab, you would become part of the national marrow donor directory.  You might just be able to save this little girl’s life – or someone else who is similarly in need.   If someone asked YOU, would you do it?  Would you choose to save a life?

In talking to other parents in the days leading up to this local event, here are some “concerns” we came up with.  Do any of them match your own? 

• I’d like to help but I am just so busy right now. (The cheek swabs take less than a minute.  EVERYBODY has a minute.  As I heard someone say, “I don’t have the time” takes on a completely different meaning to the over 6,000 patients who check the national registry on any given day, just hoping and praying for a life-saving match.)

• I am a busy _____ (mother, father, executive, sole bread-winner, etc. -- fill in the blank) and I can’t be tied up in bed for a week or two recovering if I was chosen as a match.  (The majority of donations do not involve surgery.  The more commonly used peripheral blood stem cell donation is a non-surgical outpatient procedure.  If marrow is needed, it is a needle aspiration surgical procedure, again usually outpatient. Recovery is relatively quick.)

• Ugh, I don’t do well with needles and blood and that whole thing.  (Does a 6-year old - whose regular life has now been turned upside down and is dealing with chemo and needles and tubes and drips  - do well with it either?)

• I just know that if I do this, I will be the one chosen.  (There are nearly 14.5 million donors in the bone marrow registry.  Yet, only approximately 2,000-3,000 procedures are done each year.  That is how hard it is to get a match!)

• I thought the best chance of a match was from family members.  (You have only a 1 in 4 chance that a sibling or family member would be a match for you.  Over two-thirds of the patients needing a bone marrow transplant do not have a match in their family.) 

The deciding factor that pushed this Zen Mama Wannabe over the top was my own children.  My kids are healthy (and I thank God for this – believe me, I do)!  I am so fortunate.  But what if it was MY child that was sick and in need?  I would do e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g I possibly could.  And I would want EVERYONE to do the same.  So how can I not participate in this?  Think karma or pay it forward. How can you choose not to try?

With slight hesitation, my husband and I went to the bone marrow drive that day.  We left with tears in our eyes and love in our hearts, feeling so humbled – and proud to be a part of it.  I now HOPE I get chosen as a match!  What an honor that would be to be able to offer such a gift. 

So what about you??  What do YOU say?  Are you reading this thinking that you too would have gone and done the cheek swab, paid the small lab fee and become a part of the national donor registry like we did?  That you would not have hesitated to offer the possibility of the gift of life?

Well, great news!  You CAN participate online, wherever you are – and from now until September 22 it is FREE -- thanks to the NASCAR Foundation.  So no excuses – here’s what you need to do:

Click this link – which should take you right to the sign-up page – or follow these simple steps:

Go to Nascar.com/foundation
Click on Programs/Events
Click on Blood and Marrow drive
Follow the link to donate ON-LINE (at the bottom of all the race track dates, click where it says ONLINE MARROW REGISTRATION)

A cheek swab kit will be sent to you in the mail.  You do your own test and mail it back.  EASY!

If you miss the September 22nd deadline, you can still get a kit through www.marrow.org for $52 or contact the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for drives being held in your area. 

Lastly, for those of you with kids, this turned out to be one of those great “teaching” moments that parents always hope to get.  My son had a LOT of questions (as all 7-year olds seem to do) and it gave me the opportunity to not only talk about it, but to SHOW him and his sister that this is what Daddy and I were willing to do.  If they were sick, we would do everything and anything to try and help them get better.  Right now, this little girl is sick (as are the many others out there) and we want to do what we can to help them.  What a special thing to teach; what an empowering message for our kids to learn.   

What about you?  It just takes a simple click of the mouse.  Won't you SHOW that it is a gift you can offer too?

 

Please note:  You need to be between the ages of 18 and 60 to become a donor.  (If you are not, please still pass this along to everyone you know)!

When Your Dreams Come True

I always wanted to be a mom.  From the time I was a little girl running around with my baby dolls and stuffed animals all the way through my college years and beyond, motherhood was something I wanted most of all.  No other career seemed as important.  No other mission for my life as meaningful.  Being a mom was the pie in the sky.  But what happens when your dreams come true – and they do not quite match the Leave it To Beaver image you so intently dreamed of for so many years?

I had an entrepreneurial spirit at a very young age. When I was 4 years old, I dreamed of owning an ice cream parlor.  I still remember how vividly I could see it in my mind, down to the color and pattern of the tile floor and the fishbowl of lollipops on the tall soda fountain type counter.  Just as sure as I was of that, I was equally convinced I would be a children's book author.  I was the one that kept friends and family up at night with my storytelling.  During the day I would seat my dolls in a semi-circle, take one of my mom’s books off the shelf, and “read” to my children.  To this day, my mom can pull out a book and see if it was one I used simply by how worn down the pages in the first chapter(s) are. 

All through growing up, I casually flitted with thoughts of being a teacher.  It was an area my dad subtly but consistently tried to put on my radar, which is probably why I eventually steered clear of it.  At one point I thought of following in my mother’s footsteps and going into food science/nutrition (a topic I was always reading up on – just for fun – obviously the fruit did not fall far from the tree).   A deep interest in an economics class persuaded me to claim that as my major in college (until, 2 years later, a brutal statistics course dampened my enthusiasm).  And who could forget my love of criminal justice - my passionate belief in right and wrong, and the consequences thereof.  Tie that in with my passing fantasy of being an actress and you create a career dream of mine for years:  becoming an undercover criminal investigator.  There was also the PR and event planning I enjoyed doing prior to having kids. 

But all of these career paths ultimately felt like hobbies to me; my real passion was in my desire to be a stay-home mom.  It became a prayer almost of mine, especially when my college sweetheart went on and on about how HIS wife was going to work after having kids, and how important the double income thing was.  It was supposedly a non-negotiable for him and as such became a deal-breaker for me.  That certainly wasn’t what I was looking to sign up for; if it had to happen – fine, but it was not something I was automatically eager to do. 

Cut to all these years later….here I am, a stay-at-home mom to two wonderful kids.  I have my dream – this is it – this is what I wanted all my life!  So why is it that I don’t feel completely satisfied?  Why do I feel at times (many times) that I am blowing it – that I’m not living up to my full potential – that I am not being that great mom I know I can be? 

Why does their bickering go straight to this one part of my brain that causes me to not be able to think straight?  Why do their unkind words (sibling talk) slice away at my heart and make me want to shout, “No!  I won’t let you become that child – the one that speaks meanly to others, that doesn’t think or care how his or her words make the other person feel.”  I want to nip this in the bud so I don’t wake up one day and wonder where the spoiled brat in front of me came from. 

I may be over-reacting; at the same time, I don’t ever want that behavior to be thought of as “okay.”  Sometimes you let things slide, and then later wake-up realize you have a major problem on your hands.  I don’t want that to happen.  But who wants to be a nag all the time either?!  How can I creatively get my point across – you know, turn this snippy interaction into a positive teaching moment?  I don’t know – but I am exhausted from the whole thing.  Truthfully, this parenting thing is not quite the way this Zen Mama Wannabe imagined it.

Perhaps it comes down to redefining our dreams.  Just as with a traditional job, you will have good days and bad days.  Some days your co-workers will drive you crazy; other days things will flow in such a way that time will seem to fly by.  Some times your boss will push your buttons in such a way you are ready to hand in your 2-week resignation letter and say good luck to you (meaning: just try to find someone else who is half as qualified that will put up with your crap).  Other times you will thank God for this amazing opportunity you have been given to learn and grow – and you can’t help but think, “How in the world did I get so lucky?” 

That is how it is with parenting, and to think it would be any different is naive I suppose.  It is just so hard at times – we get told all the things we are doing wrong (by our kids, our husbands, sometimes by comments from other moms) but we don’t hear much about what we are doing that is RIGHT. We are the behind-the-scene player – which is a challenging role for many of us to take.

Is this no different than what OUR mothers went through before us?  Is this just a part of the job of motherhood – and only my generation would dare to whine about it?  The job I wanted so desperately?  The job I now have but don’t show the awe for that I once felt?

Really if you think about it, I have actually achieved ALL my dreams.  I am now a full-time teacher, storyteller, family nutritionist, event planner, investigator (just not on a criminal level), and even part-time ice cream scooper.  I didn’t know it growing up, but all those things fit under the job heading: MOM.  My dreams did come true. 

I still feel an uneasiness I can’t quite put my finger on.  But maybe that will reveal itself in time.  Maybe what I need to focus on now is being present with my children, continually striving to do and be my best, and have faith the rest will come.  If I truly show up and give my best, maybe I will start to feel good better about the job I am doing.  For I know it is not the “job” that has me down, it is MY performance of that job. And to not feel successful at your lifelong dream can be a bitter pill to take. One this Zen Mama Wannabe has no intention of swallowing much longer.

Lunch time Blues

My son has a lunch date today – with his former 1st Grade teacher.  He has been looking forward to it all week.  I have been dreading it (as only a mother of an active member of the Picky Eaters of America club would do).

He missed the pizza party last week, for the students that completed those thick packets she handled out at the end of last year.  My son had an incentive to work hard during the summer, doing so many workbook pages per day, so that he could join her for this pizza party once the new school year started.  Then, wouldn’t you know it, the party was scheduled for last Friday – when we were to be out of town. Sweet teacher that she is, she told him they could have lunch together THIS week – just the two of them (!!!) and she would bring the dessert.  My son is thrilled; I been worrying about this for days.

My son LOVES pizza.  Cheese pizza is probably his favorite food.  The theme carries over to cheese quesadillas and grilled cheese sandwiches.  You get the idea:  bread/or dough and melted cheese.  We do not have many other consistent themes in his repertoire (that food list has not expanded much since we first posted it up on the wall).  Had he been able to attend the original party, he would have gobbled up the cheese pizza, no different than the other kids there, and life would go on.

Today, however, it is just him, the teacher and his lunch box.  And what he brings to school in his lunch box is cause for great concern.  There are many debates in our house about what should be packed and they usually end with my husband becoming extremely frustrated with the whole situation and me feeling like he wants to nominate me for Loser Mom of the Year. 

In Kindergarten, we managed okay with peanut butter and jelly.  New school, new rules – and here it is no peanut butter.  We have tried the various nut and soy butters and got the big Thumbs Down.  Besides, our son tells us, he is T-I-R-E-D of peanut butter and jelly and really doesn’t like it anymore.  How can you NOT like peanut butter and jelly?  You used to LOVE it!  It’s All-American – like baseball – I bet Russell Martin, your all-time favorite player, likes peanut butter and jelly?  (Yes, that’s right – I pull out all stops – and it never works, but I keep trying).

Nope – it is a no go.  So I move on; why waste my energy when he can’t bring it to school anyway.  Grilled cheese gets soggy – and who likes cold grilled cheese?  I empathize.  So where we are at is Luna Bars: 10 grams of protein, 5 grams of fiber, and less than 2 teaspoons of sugar in each one.  Come on – how else would our terribly picky eater growing boy get 10 grams of protein at one sitting?  I really don’t think this is the worst choice in the world.

But my husband disagrees.  It is basically a candy bar, he tells me.  You are giving your son a candy bar for lunch every day.  (Notice how he is now my son for this – hmmm).  What I’d like to say in a very un-Zen like moment is “Then you pack his lunch – and good luck to you!”  Instead, I repeat the part about the high protein and how it is quick and easy to eat, which is important when your child would rather nibble for a few minutes and then run off to play as soon as they are able to be dismissed from the lunch tables.

I continue to defend my choice for his lunch, but still carry the burden of all the guilt.  Somewhere I have it in my head (or have bought into the suggestion?) that I am a bad mother because my son will not eat turkey and cheese sandwiches like the other kids.  Or go near hummus and carrot sticks like the really evolved children, whose moms must have NO idea what I am talking about.  I manage the guilt as best I can, until a day like today occurs, when I realize another adult is going to sit there with him and actually SEE what gets packed in his lunch.  It won’t just be my husband’s judgment; now I am imagining our former teacher’s disapproval as well. 

I tell myself elementary school teachers know kids are picky.  They understand getting some of them to eat what is in their lunch boxes is tough.  This isn’t classified information – they get it, right??  Maybe she will notice the water (not juice) and all the fruit (not chips or processed junk).  And why does it really matter what his FORMER teacher thinks about his eating habits or his mom’s lunch packing skills?  We had a successful year at school.  She knows my son is a sweet boy, eager to learn, and I think that would outweigh any concern she might have about his/my lunchtime choices. But the guilt nags on. 

So in a moment of panic this morning, I gave my son the 1-minute sales pitch on Kashi bars and got his hesitant okay to put that in his lunch today instead.  Kashi bars only have half the protein, but they are not covered in chocolate and therefore LOOK more like granola bars than candy bars - therefore appearing more acceptable, I think.  They are a different texture than the Luna bars, and not quite as filling (this I say from personal experience) and I am not convinced he is going to like them – or more importantly EAT them.  But we shall see.

Anyone else raising members of Picky Eaters of America – or perhaps was one themselves?  Any suggestions for making lunch time a little more enjoyable – for ALL of us?   This Zen Mama Wannabe knows it is only my responsibility to pack healthy lunches; whether he eats or not is up to him.  But it is a long school day, and blood sugar levels really take a dive when kids don’t eat.  I would like to believe there is a happy medium out there;  I am just still in the process of discovering what in the world that is!!